"He's Just Not That Into You"

I know. It's cliche. Shut up.

A couple of weeks ago I called my dad to tell him about the breakup. I explained to him what happened and how I felt. After hearing the entire story, as well as my state of emotion, my father says: "Well honey, he was obviously not that into you".......PAUSE.

I explode. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? How can you say that to me? How can you downplay my worth like this???" I replied to him.

But he was absolutely right. Back then I was still really upset and extremely irrational, so I didn't even give it a second thought. But there was a reason I called my dad to tell him what happened, and there is a reason I share things with him and ask him for advice. My father has always been very practical and logical. He is always able to think through situations very clearly, never really sugar coating anything or saying anything "just to make me feel better". He thinks less with emotion and more with his brain. His opinions and advice have always been useful, and in most cases, very true.

After many years and many failed "relationships", I have discovered the obvious. Kol Ha'kavod (job well done, congratulations) to me. If a guy (or girl, depending on your sex/sexuality) really does like you and wants to pursue something with you, he (she) will show it and you will know. There shouldn't be any "excuses". Here are some of my favourites that I've collected over the years:

"I love you, you are special to me, but honestly, I can't really commit. I'm a truck driver, so I am always on the road, and I feel bad that I can't be next to you". Later on, this person actually told me why he couldn't have a relationship with me. This one also is added to my best of bullshit list. His "real" reason was this "Sarah, you are heading places. You have goals, you have a good head on your shoulders, you have stuff figured out. I am still lost, I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with myself. You are just too good for me. I don't want to wind up hurting you because I am a piece of shit". Yep, makes total sense.

Another great one (from a different guy) was this: "Sarah, I'm really attracted to you and we have great sex. I'm just not physically attracted enough to you to make you my girlfriend". It should be noted that I was casually seeing this guy for about 2 years. Attracted enough to have great sex for 2 years but not attracted enough to have a relationship. Yep, makes sense.

Then there was this one: "Sarah, I like you. But I just don't think its a good idea to date friends of friends. I am a dark man, and I don't think dating me is a good idea". It should be noted that I still speak to this person, and he continues to flirt with me and ask me for pictures of my boobs.

Then there are the ones that some of my female friends have shared with me. "He says he really likes me and enjoys spending time with me, but he's really busy with (insert any random life event...work, school, band, family, pets, re-painting the bathroom.....etc) right now. I just don't want to pressure him into anything".  

And of course my latest one. I'll remind you if you haven't read any of my earlier posts. "Sarah, we need to break up. I like you and enjoy spending time with you, but I can't really do the long distance thing. Sorry."

At the end of the day, if the person thinks you and your potential future are worth it, they will make the effort. Things can always be worked out if you try and if you communicate properly. However, if the person has chosen to not want to have a special someone, then what I just said is invalid. Wanting to find a partner takes some personal maturity, and not everyone possesses this. And its fine. We all go through different stages in life at different times and we all want different things. But why can't we be honest? With ourselves and with other people. Being honest also means maturity and I suspect that most people in their 20's still haven't reached this level. This is the hardest part about growing up: coming to terms with who you are and what you want.

If you don't like someone, then you don't like someone. No one is putting a gun to your head and saying you have to marry them right now. But tell them. Its simple. "I'm not interested in having a relationship with you". But you also have to follow up the words with actions. Continuing to sleep with the person and calling them at your own convenience is leading them on. Not that there's anything wrong with a casual relationship, but most of the time someone will develop feelings. If it comes to this, then the casual relationship should be stopped. By both people.

Anyway, this post isn't about me spitting out relationship or dating advice, because God knows I am the last person to ever offer advice considering the lovely situations I have involved myself in in the past. But back to what my father said about my most recent relationship. He was right, and I know that now. I realize that if someone likes me, he will make the effort. He will also call, he will also try to make plans, and he will also try to involve me in his life as much as possible. And the same goes with me. All it takes is a little effort and honesty. Sadly, this wasn't the case right now, but I feel fairly confident that with the next guy, I will be able to spot the bullshit from genuine interest. I should also try to stay away from younger men and direct myself more towards guys that are established and know where they are heading and know what they want. But damn it, younger guys flock to me like flies to shit (bad metaphor?) and some of them are uber sexy. Mmmm fresh meat :)

זיכרון יכול לחיות

Mood: Sad

Music: None. It's Israel's Memorial Day.

It's Yom HaZikaron here in Israel. This is the day soldiers (and victims of terrorism) that lost their lives protecting the Jewish people are remembered- Israel's Memorial Day. Everything is closed. Restaurants, stores, even Non Stop - my favourite grocery store that is usually ALWAYS open. It is illegal for any public establishment in Israel to be open. Even in Arab neighborhoods apparently. 

I just came back from a memorial service that took place in Rabin Square. Dead soldiers' stories were shared by their families. All in Hebrew of course, but it didn't matter. I understood it all. After each story was told and pictures were shown, a song was played with a live band. I am not familiar with Israeli musicians so I can't say who was there. The entire ceremony was moving. After watching one story after another, after another, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave. I missed the last 15 minutes or so of the ceremony. My friends told me that the ceremony closed with "Ha'Tikvah" (hope) - The Israeli National Anthem. All over the country ceremonies like this take place, with a MEGA ceremony taking place in Jerusalem with the country's top leaders in attendance- including Bibi.

Having said the above, I think about "Memorial" Day in America. How do Americans celebrate it exactly? Ah yes. It's the unofficial start to the summer. Wooohoo! Beaches open, bbq galore, party central. After observing what happened today in Israel, I thought to myself, this is memorial day in America? Its almost shameful. Hey listen, we're all guilty of partying on Memorial Day in America, its our culture. Even me. I am trying not to sound like a judgmental hypocrite, but I really can't help it. I was overwhelmed by how Israel celebrates its Memorial Day. And, IMHO, that's the way to do it. But have no fear, the party begins tomorrow at sundown!

After one of the most saddest days of the year, the sun goes down and it's party central! Tomorrow evening Israel celebrates 64 years of independence! This holiday is known as Yom Haatzmaut. Rooftop parties, bbq and excessive drinking begins. Almost like America! :)  It's amazing how the mood of the country shifts after a few minutes. Sigh. Only in Israel. 

But lets get back to Yom HaZikaron for a moment. Watching all of those faces, all of those children. I thought to myself: Is it really worth it? The Torah teaches us that each Jewish soul (nefesh) is special and unique and contributes in its own way to the world. These brave men and women died protecting our country. My country. Why? Because other people are always trying to kill us and we need to protect ourselves. The Holocaust was not the only point in time that people tried to exterminate us, albeit it was the most tragic, with the most amount of lives lost. So in order to prevent this from happening again, the Jewish state was formed and continues to exist. And it clearly continues to need to protect itself, i.e. Iran. But is one Jewish soul worth the protection of an entire group of people? I don't know. You decide. It's a double edged sword. Maybe best answered by the parents of a dead soldier. I honestly don't know.   

All I know is that I love this country. I have never felt more home, more like I belonged to something. And with every chag (holiday), the feeling just becomes stronger. We are a small country and a very complicated one at that. Life here isn't a walk in the park, things don't happen easily here. Trying to accomplish daily tasks even seems so complicated sometimes, but at the end of the day, this Eretz Israel. The homeland. My homeland. 

Rock n Roll will never die...

Title above: Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black) Song here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMs3PCDM8Eg 

Mood: Stable
Music: Guns N Roses - Appetite for Destruction. Of course. 


I finished Duff McKagan's autobiography last night- It's So Easy (And Other Lies). Blew through 300+ pages in a day. I was so into the book that I couldn't put it down. 


I have been interested in anything Guns n Roses since I can remember. One of my earliest memories was sitting around the apartment (in Flushing, Queens where I was born), I must have been about 5 or 6 at the time, maybe even younger, listening to the Appetite for Destruction vinyl with my mother. I owe my current musical tastes to her and my father. I grew up listening to Queen, Elton John, Bon Jovi, Guns, Pink Floyd, Aerosmith and other classic rock bands. I guess it's pretty awesome when your parents were in their early 20's when you were born :) Music was always a HUGE part of my childhood. 


A few years ago my musical tastes were revived. They seemed to have perished in a 10 year relationship with an ex boyfriend. He always thought rock was for "old white trash people from Kansas" and condemned me listening to anything classic rock related. He seemed to think he was too "classy" for this- he was more interested in cars, sneakers, and fancy clubs and restaurants. Anyway, we broke up when I was around 25, 26 and my musical tastes (along with all other aspects of my personality) were brought to life. 


I bought Slash's autobiography a few years ago and was INSTANTLY inspired. After I finished reading the book I started to take guitar and drum lessons. GnR became my favourite band and I couldn't stop listening to their music. Anyone who knows me knows I am a HUGE Guns n Roses fan. Funny memory I have actually: One of my friends was playing one of those "answer questions" game on Facebook. One question he was asked was "What is the first thing you think about when you think of Sarah?". His answer: GnR and Boobs. I laughed hysterically. Anyway around that time, I also started to practice singing and dreamed of one day joining a band (just for fun, not as a career). Yes, the dreams of a 13 year old boy manifested itself in a 26 year old Accountant. Turns out my growth must have been stunt during the 10 year relationship. 


My musical dreams had to be put on hold every so often with a very busy work schedule and eventually, school schedule. Then came planning my trip to Israel. As I mentioned in earlier posts, in August of 2011 I came to live in Tel Aviv for 5 months. I had to prioritize. Continue pursuing music or pack up and move to Israel? Music had to be put on hold. I figured I can pick up my guitar again once I was settled in Israel. 


And that's what I did. I didn't pick up the guitar yet, but I continued finding inspiration, in my favourite band and in my favourite musicians (i.e. reading their biographies). Rock n roll has always been my inspiration. It's what drives me; its what moves me. I don't know why or how, but its a part of my soul. And always will be.  Be it an ex boyfriend or a move across the world, it will always be a huge part of my life. Hey hey, my my. Rock and roll will never die :)

It's Only Signing An Apartment Lease, But I Like It

Title above: It's Only Rock N Roll (But I Like It) by The Rolling Stones. Song here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wC5dL-mOok 


Mood: Angry, but calming down
Music: The Stones now. Damn it the title got me in the mood.


We signed our lease today! Fucking took 4 hours to negotiate with the Landlord and finally sign our lease, but whatever. FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY! Move in date May 1. At least this part of the process is over. Now begins the real work. We need to buy everything for the apartment. Like EVERYTHING, including a new fridge, furniture, tv dishes, etc. Now the research and money spending begins. And even more stress. But at least I have a place to live. And the apartment is uber sexy...


Why was I angry you might be asking yourself? Eh, no clear reason. Or one that is worthy about me rambling here about. Still have my bad days regarding the breakup. It happens. But I did feel ALOT better the other night. I met yet another hot Israeli long haired guy. He is a bartender at a bar that I went to with my friend the other night to watch some live jazz music. My friend and I sat at the bar and I immediately noticed his long hair and 'different look'. He had awesome facial hair and a nose piercing. I was instantly intrigued. So of course, I started to make eye contact and smile. We flirted a bit back and forth, turns out we have a few things in common. My friend started making fun of me saying I found my rebound. I thought to myself: new country, new life, new people. Fuck it. I don't really want a 'rebound' per say, but whatever happens, happens. I guess you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, that you get what you need :)  

You Don't Have To Live Like A Refugee

Title above from 'Refugee' by Tom Petty. Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFnOfpIJL0M&ob=av3e

Mood: Stable
Music: Classic Rock internet radio

So it's official: My roommates and I have agreed on an apartment. Lease signing tomorrow! Great apartment, all new, center of TLV. Pretty fucking sweet.

I love Oz, I really do. I am incredibly grateful to him for taking in this poor little American citizen that immigrated to the Land of Long Haired Israeli Men and Cats based on her idealistic Zionist values, but damn it, I can't wait to get the fuck out of this apartment. It is absolutely filthy, old and decrepit. (Thanks to Steven for reminding me of this awesome word, my new word of the day). It's filthy because of Oz's current roommates. One idiot cooks and leaves food all over the kitchen, including the kitchen sink. Every morning I wake up to a plethora of flies swirling around my face, trying to swerve out of their way so that they don't accidentally fly into my mouth while yawning. (maybe not even so accidentally those sneaky flies). Oz and I share a room because a) there is an extra decent size mattress in his room and b) The living room faces the busiest intersection of the city and I cannot sleep when garbage trucks pretend to pick up garbage on the street at 6am and drunken arsim (Israeli douchebags) yell at the top of their lungs to frechot (Israeli bimbos) wearing mini skirts at 3am. I guess I'm getting old, I don't know.  Oz's blown horn snoring also doesn't help the living situation, so I really CANNOT FUCKING WAIT to move out. I love him to death, but I need my own clean space.

Having said that, it brings me to my concern du jour. For 8 years, I have lived by myself. No roommates, no family. Just me and Tigger. It was the most ideal situation. Now, due to financial constraints, I find myself living with 2 other people- Oz and my good friend Neil :cough cough Sol cough cough: I don't know what its like to live with other people and furthermore, be considerate of their domestic needs and personal situations. I've always been a 'I want what I want and I want it now' kind of a gal, never really caring about how my personal living situation effected other people, because frankly, I didn't need to. Now, the situation has turned 180 degrees, and I need to actually be nice to people I live with, as well as being considerate towards them. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. I suspect I'll face some "challenges" to say the least. I told Oz all about this and asked for his patience and understanding. He said he's cool with it.

Ideally, the most important thing I ask from people I share an abode with it to clean up after yourselves. You want your room to be messy? Fine, I don't care. But do not leave shit all over the common areas such as the living room, bathroom and kitchen. I refuse to be someone's mother. My rule is simple: if you don't clean up after yourself, your garbage will be thrown on your bed. This includes shit that is left in the bathroom. Gross? YES. Harsh? Yes, but fuck it. I'm not your fucking mother. I refuse to live in filth and decrepitness (is that even a word?). I refuse to live like a refugee.

In other news, I visited my family in Rehovot this week. Felt good to sleep in a clean apartment, in a quiet residential neighborhood. It was also a nice distraction from my current state of emotion. I am feeling better bit by bit, but I still have my moments (or days) of negativity. I guess I'm going through the "I hate society and people" phase right now, because I've been very irritable lately and just want to be left alone. Everyone is pissing me off. I suspect I will get better eventually and maybe I will hate the world a little bit less than how much I usually do.

Am I Israeli now? Great. Now what do I do?

That's the first thought that went through my head when I arrived to Israel and got my immigration papers.
So, like, do I find a job now? Do I start yelling at people? (you know, how Israelis usually speak) Do I start shooting at Arabs? Seriously, I had no idea what to do next.

Of course I was excited. I was finally able to do something I have been wanting to do since the age of 22. 7 fucking years in the making. The second I stepped foot in Tel Aviv during Taglit I knew I had to live here.

It was Shabbos.  We had just finished exploring Rabin Square and walked over to the beach. Walking on the beach in 70 degree weather in the end of December, I couldn't have asked for more. People dancing on the boardwalk, beautiful people sunbathing and enjoying life. The spirit of the city was amazing. It was alive. I felt alive. More alive than I have ever felt. Tel Aviv, you had me at mirpeset.

I said to myself: I have to live here someday.

And.....here I am. Living in the center of Tel Aviv. I made (one of my) dreams come true. Don't be confused people. I didn't just drop everything and move to Israel (ok, well yes, I sort of did) but I did do a test run first. I'm not completely crazy.

In August of 2011, I went on a long term 5 month program that allowed me to live in Tel Aviv- acquaint myself with the city, with Israelis, with the culture, etc. Halfway through the program (and after numerous conversations with many people, including my lovely roommate, who I'm sure I drove nuts with all of my questions) I decided this was it: I'm making aliyah. This is the Jewish State and I need to be with my people. Like ACHSHAV.

Funny enough, around the same time I decided to make aliyah, I started seeing someone. An actual Israeli. Born and bred Sabra. And hot as hell. Over the next few months, the relationship began to develop into something beautiful- and unexpected. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to meet someone I would actually (and eventually) fall in love with. Why? Because I was here on an extended 5 month vacation. I was here to have fun and see if Israel is where I wanted to be. But it was a beautiful surprise.

The program ended and I started to go through the aliyah process. I had to fly back to America to tie up loose ends and spend time with my family and friends. One friend I was looking forward to spending time with  was my best friend, Alex. I was extremely happy living in Tel Aviv for 5 months but a piece of me felt empty, and it was Alex that I was missing. Needless to say, I was excited to return to NYC to spend quality time with him and continue the stupid shenanigans we always somehow got ourselves involved in.

The one thing I noticed was the lack of surprise from my friends when I told them I decided to make aliyah. All of my close friends were unmoved. Of course. Anyone who knows me or actually pays attention to what I have to say has already known that this is what I've wanted to, so basically this news was about as new as Lindsey Lohan getting arrested for a DWI. Everyone's reaction: Meh. OK. Have fun! When's your going away party?!?!?. Israeli people reaction to me making aliyah: WHAT?? WHY??? ARE YOU CRAZY???
My good friend in Israel, Oz, who happens to be my knight-in-shining-armor, (and the most amazing man on the planet) still finds it hard to understand how anyone can move to Israel. Oh, you Israelis. Always so humble and completely off of your rockers.

So I get to Israel, get to Oz's house (my place of residence for the next undetermined amount of time) and set up shop. I also make plans to see my boyfriend (who also happens to be returning from a trip) around the same time I came back to Israel. I hadn't seen him for 2 months. I cannot even relay to you how excited I was to finally see him. And see him I did. It was a sweet reunion. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

A few days later, however, he broke up with me. He had to go up to the North for work for the next 6 months and didn't think long distance was a good idea. Of course it wasn't. Who in their right minds has a long distance relationship? Worse idea ever. But it doesn't make it any better. I was completely heartbroken. One week later and I still am. Not feeling any better from the second he left. I suppose time heals all wounds and all that bullshit, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Good news is that I found an apartment that my friends and I want to live in. Sooner or later I suppose I'll have to find a job, but that's too much for me to think about right now. Baby steps. Hakol k'tstat b regel as I like to say.