And another one gone....Another One Bites The Dust!

Title above: Another One Bites The Dust 
Song here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE&ob=av2n  


Mood: Tired
Music: Internet Radio - Dance


And just like that- it's done. The roommate and I talked about our "situation". He basically said that it's pointless to discuss what happened. He said that whatever he has to tell me will hurt my feelings, he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't think I will learn or ever change and therefore doesn't want to discuss it. He suggested we start a "new page" and forget about what happened. He said things will never go back to how they were in the past but for the sake of our third roommate and for the sake of house guests we should put on a happy face and move forward. I asked him "but if I do something to piss you off again, or what if you do something to piss me off again? Then what?". He replies, "don't worry, I've changed. You won't piss me off". If you ask me, that's pretty much bullshit because everyone gets pissed off at each other, especially people that live together, but listen if that's what makes him happy, then what can I do? I can't force someone to confront issues and not sweep things under the rug. 


That's what's funny. People love to "sweep things" under the rug. But this situation is amusing because he didn't want to make up with me for the sake of our relationship- it was plainly obvious when he said "lets just forget what happened just so we can not make people uncomfortable"; it was so that in other people's eyes it doesn't look like we are having "shalom bayis" (peace in the home) issues. I am assuming this is how he was raised and this is how his family handles things as well. Healthy? Not so much, but to each his own. There are plenty of pretentious families that look perfectly happy but are miserable on the inside. Before my folks got divorced, this is what my mother and father looked like. Perfect little family, a lot of mishigas (craziness) behind closed doors. It's fine, whatever makes people happy. Sometimes they need a little fantasia in their lives to satisfy themselves. 


So yes, based on my discussion with him, it is safe to assume the friendship is done. Am I insulted? Eh, a bit but not so much. Why? Because I have gained and lost many friends over the years. I know that people come and go for a reason, the real ones stay and accept you. That's why I am grateful for who I have. 


Another reason why I am not as "torn up" as I would have been (or maybe should be) is because last year, a person that I suspected to be a good friend of mine, randomly stopped talking to me and decided to talk shit about me behind my back for months before and after. Her and I were really "close" for a long time, always hanging out together, always talking, laughing, having good times. So when she decided to stop talking to me, I was crushed. I wracked my brain for months trying to figure out what happened, but then another "close" friend of hers told me she did the same thing to him. I decided that it wasn't me- it was definitely her, therefore, no reason to still be hurt. 


So basically losing her friendship kind of made me immune to people and supposed "friends". Want to be my friend? Great. You don't want to be my friend anymore? Also, great. After all of the bullshit I've seen between people in my life, I've learned that people will turn their back on you in the blink of an eye, and it's fine. Nothing to take personal, its just who they are. Besides, I have like 4000 other more important things to focus on- like learning Hebrew. Damn it, this language is hard. The masters program that I am interested is all in Hebrew, so it's really important to step my game up and master the holy tongue. Eh, I'm getting there. 


Ani medeberet yevrit?     

I don't need to fight to prove that I'm right. I don't need to be forgiven.

Title above: Baba O'Riley. 
Song here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8_Pf144Qmg&feature=related


Mood: Relieved
Music: The Who - Who's Next


I fucking LOVE LOVE LOVE The Who. Grew up listening to them, they were one of my father's favourite bands, though to be fair I didn't really appreciate their music until I reached my mid 20's. Baba O'Riley (aka Teenage Wasteland) has got to be my favourite Who song, followed closely behind by 'Behind Blue Eyes'. Unfortunately because of Keith Moon's death, the band hasn't been the same. He is known as one of the best drummers of all time, and if you don't believe me, listen to the Who's music. He died in 78 of complications from an alcohol overdose. Music hasn't been the same since. RIP Moon the Loon. 


The title of today's blog entry comes from that song and it describes my current domestic situation perfectly. In fact, it describes my view on life in general pretty accurately. My interpretation of this line is pretty simple: It's about knowing WHO you are and what you stand for. Sure, I've pissed people off. Sure, some people hate me. Sure, I've done and said some shitty things. So have YOU. But at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure I'm not all bad and I'm pretty sure I've done some great things for people. I'm pretty sure that as an overall, general person, I'm not awful. I think I've done far more good than I've done "bad". So when a supposed good friend of mine becomes pissed off at me and stops talking to me for reasons unknown (I can only speculate), it effects me, but not in such an earth shattering way. I know that I haven't done something so awful to warrant this type of reaction. I know this person is just pissed off at me for being me. He's said to me in the past that he's not so fond of my strength and independence, so I can only speculate that he is pissed off at me for...well....being me. And I will not apologize for that. True friends accept you for who you are, no apologies are necessary. Thus the phrase above: I don't need to fight this person to prove that I am right, I don't need him (or anyone for that matter) to "forgive" me. My life goes on perfectly without people's "approval". 


Granted I'm pretty sure the song isn't about acceptance or forgiveness, in fact, its about how drugs sort of took over in the late 1960's - mainly things Townshend witnessed at Woodstock. But the Who is known for politically charged statements in their music. I think a lot of bands back then were. Fuck, look at Bob Dylan.  The great ol' U S of A was a shitshow back then. I have always wished I were alive back then to appreciate the music, culture and people of the 60's and 70's. Instead, now I just listen to the music and put up with being made fun of by my close friends for being "a crazy old cat lady". Glad they've accepted me for who I am and I'm glad they don't feel the need to grant me approval or forgiveness. Believe me, it makes life ALOT easier for them :)


Rock On \m/

All For One and One For......Who Are You Again?

Mood: Disappointed

Man, I remember how excited I was to come here. I had given up a lot to come here: my own apartment, my friends, my family, I quit my job (albeit I detested it), but I got paid good money. I had a good life. My life, my way.

All of that was given up- why? For some crazy idealistic dream?
Or maybe it was because I was excited to do something new, live in an awesome metropolis, meet new people, share an apartment with great friends and have an amazing boyfriend?

Fast forward 7 weeks: Amazing boyfriend broke up with me and I hate my "amazing" friend.

WTF? When the fuck did this happen? Well we all know what happened with my ex boyfriend, so I won't rehash. But what happened with my friend is really surprising and upsetting. It seems as though as soon as we moved in, something changed. I can't figure out what exactly- was it me or was it him? I'm not sure. After careful evaluation I can say it wasn't me. But maybe it wasn't him either. I think that different sides of people come out during different points in their life. Maybe I was blind or stupid or both to not realize what I was getting into at an earlier point, I don't know. But my roommate became a tyrant. Everything must be done his way and he tries to control everything that goes on in the house. From something small to how the food is laid out in the kitchen cupboards to something big like not wanting to get a new kitchen table and chairs. Why I asked him? He replies, because we already have them...see? He is referring to plastic lawn chairs and a plastic fold out table. This is what he wants to use as a kitchen table. His sister came by last week and even told me "You know, when he's upset HE'S REALLY UPSET, but when he's happy, everything is fine". Great, thanks for that info. So now I have to oblige to his every beckoning demand? Yeah, not on this planet. But it's fine, he can sit on plastic fucking lawn chairs while he watches his 42" inch tv with fancy surround system. Nah, he won't look like a fucking idiot at all.

These things seem small and in reality, they are. But its not these small little things that bother me, it's his overall general personality and approach to people. He always says how he's always the one with the biggest responsibility, always the one doing the most work.  I am getting tired of hearing how everything is always about him and how hard he works. As if his roommates haven't worked hard at all and just sat on their asses while whistling fucking dixie. I guess he forgot about how the 2 people he lives with just moved 6,000 miles away from their homes and families. I think he forgot that Neil and I don't speak the language here, which means it would take 3 times as long as to speak with the electricity people or the internet people. I think he must have also forgotten that Neil had to take out a fucking personal loan in order to give the security deposit to the landlord, or else we wouldn't have gotten the apartment. But Oz is the one with the biggest responsibility right? He's the one that went looking for an apartment? He's the one that went to the stores and bought everything, right? Right. In a fucking dreamland. Get off of your high horse.

I think his issue is that he expects everything done in his way, on his own time schedule. I think its difficult to see things from other perspectives when its not done according to what you believe. He always prides himself in making the best decision possible for "the group". I don't remember asking him to make decisions for me. I also think that he too expected certain things. Maybe he made the grand ol' mistake in thinking "maybe she'll change when we move in together". I remember him saying he had a problem with me being so independent and trying to take care of myself. Maybe he thought I would become subservient and docile when we moved in together. Sorry, buddy you are barking up the wrong tree with that one. You obviously don't know me at all.

Anyway, fast forward 2 weeks we've been living here and he has stopped talking to me. I asked him many times, are you ok? Do we need to talk about something? All times he replied No. OK. I can't force anyone to talk. But the funniest thing is before we moved in I remember having numerous conversations with him about how scared I am to live with people, how I never lived with people before, and how the last thing I want is for this to turn into the same thing with his former roommates where he hated all of them.  He assured me, it won't. "All we need to do is talk and compromise. Communication is key. We are a family." It's almost as if my intuition knew what was coming. Its funny what they say about listening to yourself.

So here I am, completely disappointed with the entire situation. Almost disappointed that I even moved here.  I know I shouldn't judge the entire experience on a few things but it's hard. I compare my life now to my life in New York, and frankly, my NYC life was better. Well, my home life at least. The rest remains to be seen.

I remember him saying to me, "hey why don't you relax a bit and let your guard down. We are friends, you know I will always be there for you. There's no point in being so adamant about taking care of yourself." HA! Where is he now? Oh that's right, not talking to me because I didn't want to go as a group to buy a fucking washing machine.

Folks, no matter what anyone says or does, no matter how many sweet words anyone says to you, remember one thing: at the end of the day, you are always alone. No one will take care of you, unless it is you. And the person that tries to change your view on that is one big fool and should be laughed at. I thank life for teaching me this.

So, let us re-cap what has happened since moving here. The 2 most important relationships to me have been ruined and I live in an apartment full of plastic chairs and tables. Why did I move here again?

Ch-ch-changes. Just gonna have to be a different (wo)man

Title above: Changes - David Bowie aka Ziggy Stardust. Song here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMQ0Ryy01yE&ob=av2e 

Mood: Happy :)
Music: Def Leppard


Man, how I love Bowie. Especially his Ziggy Stardust persona. Such a brilliant man. 


And....I have finally moved in! The apartment is beautiful and clean. And I enjoy every second of it. 


But along with a new apartment and roommates come changes. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, I suspected that I would have to make some internal changes in order to adapt to my current living environment. Living with people is difficult for me. I have lived by myself for most of my adult life, only needing to consider myself in making decisions and in doing certain things. Even small things....like making coffee. I live with friends, not with strangers. And we all want to live with a sense of togetherness. I can totally appreciate that. What does this mean? This means that if I make coffee for myself, I should ask my roommates if they want it too. This concept of "group consideration" is new to me. "What do you mean I should ask you if you'd like some coffee? Can't you fucking make some yourself?! You have arms!" Yeah, this is an example of how NOT to act when living with friends. 


And compromise. Compro-what? Yeah, I need to learn what that is also. On Friday, after spending an entire intense day with Neil and Oz from early morning till evening, I had to leave the apartment. I went to Rehovot to my family's house for Shabbos. I needed "me time". It was too much togetherness for me. So when I came back on Saturday afternoon, Neil and Oz decided it was time to clean the floors. Um. Yeah. I wasn't feeling it, so I told them I wasn't in the mood, went into my room and sat there. I know it sounds bitchy, but I wasn't in the mood to clean. I just wanted my own free time, not to be involved with any duties. Good news is that they didn't seem pissed. Bad news is that I guess I'll have to clean next time. Yes, that's what we call compromise. I guess I am learning. Damn it. :shakes fist in the air:


My roommates (friends) are important to me. I don't want to lose them or spoil our relationship. This doesn't mean I will completely devote my life to making them happy, but it does mean I need to let go of the "Tough Girl Sarah" persona I have learned to play so well. One thing living with Oz has taught me is that it's ok to let go. Now it's time to try. Who knows, maybe I'll actually be a different (wo)man, maybe even a better (wo)man. Time may trace me, but I can't trace time. :) 

It's A Quarter After One, I'm All Alone And I Hope He Gets Chlamydia

Title above: Need You Now - Lady Antebellum. Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OfsZyYPLoI&ob=av2e

Mood: Snarky. Buahahahah
Music: Internet Radio - 90's




Ahh revenge. How sweet it is. Except for when it consumes you and takes over your life. I'm talking extreme cases of course, but even having it at a "medium" level is energy consuming. 


Take my breakup for example. I am not ashamed to write about my feelings about it on my blog. It's difficult to talk about it in person, especially with people I am not that close with. Most of the time it comes out in anger and every so often I'll mention something awful that I wish to happen to him. Like yesterday for example. My roommates and I were unpacking from moving. I said to Oz "You know, I hope he fucking catches chlamydia". Oz giggles, as he already knows not to take me seriously. Neil also giggles and says "Yes we know. You've mentioned it 5 times today". Shit. I have haven't I. I say "Ok, fine. But I also wish he fucking gets diarrhea while he's on a date with some slut while far away from home".  


They both laugh. Uncomfortably probably, but I don't care. That moment, for whatever reason (and apparently 5 times that day), I was consumed with anger and thoughts of revenge. And it felt good. Obviously I'm still angry and hurt and I'm not sure how long it takes for that to go away. I guess there is no specific time period for the healing process, but fuck, I want this to go away already. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. 


Another great example of revenge is Oz. In order to piss off his ex-roommates, he decides to pack EVERYTHING in the old apartment. Furniture, dishes, even the garbage pales. And the damn Foosball machine. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, the apartment was a decrepit shitshow. But in order to piss off his roommates, he decides to take everything that is rightfully his, including the junk. The furniture is complete drek (shit in Yiddish). I guess he thought to himself "AHAHAHAH I'll show them. I'm going to take all of this and they'll have nothing!". Right Oz, because you're really hurting them by taking broken chairs and scratched up coffee tables. You really showed them by emptying out the apartment of garbage. 


And I mean this stuff is junk. All of his friends even said it. They were especially annoyed spending 6 hours moving all of this shit just because of revenge. While we were moving, people on the street were walking by and asking "hey is this junk? You know there's a guy that drives around the neighborhood and picks this up for you". "No", I reply shamefully. "This is our furniture". Not that any of this is really that big of a deal in the long scheme of things, it just creates unnecessary time and energy spent on moving/unpacking. Sigh. The things we do for friends. 


Not really sure where I am going with this, I don't think I really have a point except that revenge is an awful feeling. But anger, not so much. Anger is healthy and pretty fucking awesome. If I weren't so angry sometimes, I wouldn't feel alive and so real. Sure, I've cried myself to sleep plenty of times, most recently 3 days ago, but if I weren't so angry, I wouldn't blow steam and feel so empowered. I guess the awful song that I mentioned above (and I mean awful because I cry every time I hear it) is true: "I'd rather hurt than feeling nothing at all". Stupid emotions.    

I've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All

Title above: Big Balls - AC/DC. Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W-fIn2QZgg 

Mood: Getting excited
Music: Internet Radio - Old School Hip Hop


Tomorrow is moving day! FINALLY! 


But getting to this day wasn't so simple you see? Everything in Israel is difficult. Trying to accomplish things on a daily basis always has some complications. Going to the bank. Calling the internet company to transfer services to a new apartment. Registering for electricity. All of these regular mundane tasks you would think can be done quickly and simply. But NO. Not in Israel. 


I think that living in Israel toughens one up. Makes you grow some balls, if you will. Yes, although I do get frustrated and complain about things here, I think at the end of the day I grow more of an appreciation of what I get and how I got it. I feel more aware of my surroundings and what it takes to live here successfully. Not to say I was ever a pussy (except for maybe in the sharing emotions department), but I feel more comfortable opening my mouth and saying something rude to someone so that I can get through to them. It's just a part of the culture here. You don't get customer service with a smile here, there is no sucking up to make the customer happy. Here, you are told how it is, and sometimes you are told "no" just because. Having 'big balls' is an essential part of living here. You have to fight for what you want and not take "LO" for an answer. 


See you Americans are spoiled. Things in America are pretty simple to deal with, including the mundane tasks I mentioned above. Life is simpler for the most part. Smiles, greetings, fakeness. It's the American culture. It's one thing I cannot fucking stand, but that's neither here nor there.  This post isn't about me complaining. About America nor Israel. This post is more about appreciating the aspects of a struggle and a challenge. And it's about how happy I am that my character is growing and becoming stronger (I think). Though if you ask Lana and Jon, they'll probably say I've become crazier since I've moved here.  Now that I think of it, they always say the older I get the crazier I become. 


Anyway, with frustrations come wonderful things. No place is ever perfect. Offsetting horrible customer service is an overall sense of warmth from most people. People here are always willing to help you with anything they can. People here will start conversations with you out of nowhere and offer you advice on something they see you are struggling with. They will always try point you in the right direction. To me, this warmth of culture outweighs other negativity and it is something that doesn't deter me or make me regret my decision. Also, let's not forget that Israeli guys are yummy. Also, not such a bad reason for staying :)  

"He's Just Not That Into You"

I know. It's cliche. Shut up.

A couple of weeks ago I called my dad to tell him about the breakup. I explained to him what happened and how I felt. After hearing the entire story, as well as my state of emotion, my father says: "Well honey, he was obviously not that into you".......PAUSE.

I explode. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? How can you say that to me? How can you downplay my worth like this???" I replied to him.

But he was absolutely right. Back then I was still really upset and extremely irrational, so I didn't even give it a second thought. But there was a reason I called my dad to tell him what happened, and there is a reason I share things with him and ask him for advice. My father has always been very practical and logical. He is always able to think through situations very clearly, never really sugar coating anything or saying anything "just to make me feel better". He thinks less with emotion and more with his brain. His opinions and advice have always been useful, and in most cases, very true.

After many years and many failed "relationships", I have discovered the obvious. Kol Ha'kavod (job well done, congratulations) to me. If a guy (or girl, depending on your sex/sexuality) really does like you and wants to pursue something with you, he (she) will show it and you will know. There shouldn't be any "excuses". Here are some of my favourites that I've collected over the years:

"I love you, you are special to me, but honestly, I can't really commit. I'm a truck driver, so I am always on the road, and I feel bad that I can't be next to you". Later on, this person actually told me why he couldn't have a relationship with me. This one also is added to my best of bullshit list. His "real" reason was this "Sarah, you are heading places. You have goals, you have a good head on your shoulders, you have stuff figured out. I am still lost, I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with myself. You are just too good for me. I don't want to wind up hurting you because I am a piece of shit". Yep, makes total sense.

Another great one (from a different guy) was this: "Sarah, I'm really attracted to you and we have great sex. I'm just not physically attracted enough to you to make you my girlfriend". It should be noted that I was casually seeing this guy for about 2 years. Attracted enough to have great sex for 2 years but not attracted enough to have a relationship. Yep, makes sense.

Then there was this one: "Sarah, I like you. But I just don't think its a good idea to date friends of friends. I am a dark man, and I don't think dating me is a good idea". It should be noted that I still speak to this person, and he continues to flirt with me and ask me for pictures of my boobs.

Then there are the ones that some of my female friends have shared with me. "He says he really likes me and enjoys spending time with me, but he's really busy with (insert any random life event...work, school, band, family, pets, re-painting the bathroom.....etc) right now. I just don't want to pressure him into anything".  

And of course my latest one. I'll remind you if you haven't read any of my earlier posts. "Sarah, we need to break up. I like you and enjoy spending time with you, but I can't really do the long distance thing. Sorry."

At the end of the day, if the person thinks you and your potential future are worth it, they will make the effort. Things can always be worked out if you try and if you communicate properly. However, if the person has chosen to not want to have a special someone, then what I just said is invalid. Wanting to find a partner takes some personal maturity, and not everyone possesses this. And its fine. We all go through different stages in life at different times and we all want different things. But why can't we be honest? With ourselves and with other people. Being honest also means maturity and I suspect that most people in their 20's still haven't reached this level. This is the hardest part about growing up: coming to terms with who you are and what you want.

If you don't like someone, then you don't like someone. No one is putting a gun to your head and saying you have to marry them right now. But tell them. Its simple. "I'm not interested in having a relationship with you". But you also have to follow up the words with actions. Continuing to sleep with the person and calling them at your own convenience is leading them on. Not that there's anything wrong with a casual relationship, but most of the time someone will develop feelings. If it comes to this, then the casual relationship should be stopped. By both people.

Anyway, this post isn't about me spitting out relationship or dating advice, because God knows I am the last person to ever offer advice considering the lovely situations I have involved myself in in the past. But back to what my father said about my most recent relationship. He was right, and I know that now. I realize that if someone likes me, he will make the effort. He will also call, he will also try to make plans, and he will also try to involve me in his life as much as possible. And the same goes with me. All it takes is a little effort and honesty. Sadly, this wasn't the case right now, but I feel fairly confident that with the next guy, I will be able to spot the bullshit from genuine interest. I should also try to stay away from younger men and direct myself more towards guys that are established and know where they are heading and know what they want. But damn it, younger guys flock to me like flies to shit (bad metaphor?) and some of them are uber sexy. Mmmm fresh meat :)

זיכרון יכול לחיות

Mood: Sad

Music: None. It's Israel's Memorial Day.

It's Yom HaZikaron here in Israel. This is the day soldiers (and victims of terrorism) that lost their lives protecting the Jewish people are remembered- Israel's Memorial Day. Everything is closed. Restaurants, stores, even Non Stop - my favourite grocery store that is usually ALWAYS open. It is illegal for any public establishment in Israel to be open. Even in Arab neighborhoods apparently. 

I just came back from a memorial service that took place in Rabin Square. Dead soldiers' stories were shared by their families. All in Hebrew of course, but it didn't matter. I understood it all. After each story was told and pictures were shown, a song was played with a live band. I am not familiar with Israeli musicians so I can't say who was there. The entire ceremony was moving. After watching one story after another, after another, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave. I missed the last 15 minutes or so of the ceremony. My friends told me that the ceremony closed with "Ha'Tikvah" (hope) - The Israeli National Anthem. All over the country ceremonies like this take place, with a MEGA ceremony taking place in Jerusalem with the country's top leaders in attendance- including Bibi.

Having said the above, I think about "Memorial" Day in America. How do Americans celebrate it exactly? Ah yes. It's the unofficial start to the summer. Wooohoo! Beaches open, bbq galore, party central. After observing what happened today in Israel, I thought to myself, this is memorial day in America? Its almost shameful. Hey listen, we're all guilty of partying on Memorial Day in America, its our culture. Even me. I am trying not to sound like a judgmental hypocrite, but I really can't help it. I was overwhelmed by how Israel celebrates its Memorial Day. And, IMHO, that's the way to do it. But have no fear, the party begins tomorrow at sundown!

After one of the most saddest days of the year, the sun goes down and it's party central! Tomorrow evening Israel celebrates 64 years of independence! This holiday is known as Yom Haatzmaut. Rooftop parties, bbq and excessive drinking begins. Almost like America! :)  It's amazing how the mood of the country shifts after a few minutes. Sigh. Only in Israel. 

But lets get back to Yom HaZikaron for a moment. Watching all of those faces, all of those children. I thought to myself: Is it really worth it? The Torah teaches us that each Jewish soul (nefesh) is special and unique and contributes in its own way to the world. These brave men and women died protecting our country. My country. Why? Because other people are always trying to kill us and we need to protect ourselves. The Holocaust was not the only point in time that people tried to exterminate us, albeit it was the most tragic, with the most amount of lives lost. So in order to prevent this from happening again, the Jewish state was formed and continues to exist. And it clearly continues to need to protect itself, i.e. Iran. But is one Jewish soul worth the protection of an entire group of people? I don't know. You decide. It's a double edged sword. Maybe best answered by the parents of a dead soldier. I honestly don't know.   

All I know is that I love this country. I have never felt more home, more like I belonged to something. And with every chag (holiday), the feeling just becomes stronger. We are a small country and a very complicated one at that. Life here isn't a walk in the park, things don't happen easily here. Trying to accomplish daily tasks even seems so complicated sometimes, but at the end of the day, this Eretz Israel. The homeland. My homeland. 

Rock n Roll will never die...

Title above: Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black) Song here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMs3PCDM8Eg 

Mood: Stable
Music: Guns N Roses - Appetite for Destruction. Of course. 


I finished Duff McKagan's autobiography last night- It's So Easy (And Other Lies). Blew through 300+ pages in a day. I was so into the book that I couldn't put it down. 


I have been interested in anything Guns n Roses since I can remember. One of my earliest memories was sitting around the apartment (in Flushing, Queens where I was born), I must have been about 5 or 6 at the time, maybe even younger, listening to the Appetite for Destruction vinyl with my mother. I owe my current musical tastes to her and my father. I grew up listening to Queen, Elton John, Bon Jovi, Guns, Pink Floyd, Aerosmith and other classic rock bands. I guess it's pretty awesome when your parents were in their early 20's when you were born :) Music was always a HUGE part of my childhood. 


A few years ago my musical tastes were revived. They seemed to have perished in a 10 year relationship with an ex boyfriend. He always thought rock was for "old white trash people from Kansas" and condemned me listening to anything classic rock related. He seemed to think he was too "classy" for this- he was more interested in cars, sneakers, and fancy clubs and restaurants. Anyway, we broke up when I was around 25, 26 and my musical tastes (along with all other aspects of my personality) were brought to life. 


I bought Slash's autobiography a few years ago and was INSTANTLY inspired. After I finished reading the book I started to take guitar and drum lessons. GnR became my favourite band and I couldn't stop listening to their music. Anyone who knows me knows I am a HUGE Guns n Roses fan. Funny memory I have actually: One of my friends was playing one of those "answer questions" game on Facebook. One question he was asked was "What is the first thing you think about when you think of Sarah?". His answer: GnR and Boobs. I laughed hysterically. Anyway around that time, I also started to practice singing and dreamed of one day joining a band (just for fun, not as a career). Yes, the dreams of a 13 year old boy manifested itself in a 26 year old Accountant. Turns out my growth must have been stunt during the 10 year relationship. 


My musical dreams had to be put on hold every so often with a very busy work schedule and eventually, school schedule. Then came planning my trip to Israel. As I mentioned in earlier posts, in August of 2011 I came to live in Tel Aviv for 5 months. I had to prioritize. Continue pursuing music or pack up and move to Israel? Music had to be put on hold. I figured I can pick up my guitar again once I was settled in Israel. 


And that's what I did. I didn't pick up the guitar yet, but I continued finding inspiration, in my favourite band and in my favourite musicians (i.e. reading their biographies). Rock n roll has always been my inspiration. It's what drives me; its what moves me. I don't know why or how, but its a part of my soul. And always will be.  Be it an ex boyfriend or a move across the world, it will always be a huge part of my life. Hey hey, my my. Rock and roll will never die :)

It's Only Signing An Apartment Lease, But I Like It

Title above: It's Only Rock N Roll (But I Like It) by The Rolling Stones. Song here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wC5dL-mOok 


Mood: Angry, but calming down
Music: The Stones now. Damn it the title got me in the mood.


We signed our lease today! Fucking took 4 hours to negotiate with the Landlord and finally sign our lease, but whatever. FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY! Move in date May 1. At least this part of the process is over. Now begins the real work. We need to buy everything for the apartment. Like EVERYTHING, including a new fridge, furniture, tv dishes, etc. Now the research and money spending begins. And even more stress. But at least I have a place to live. And the apartment is uber sexy...


Why was I angry you might be asking yourself? Eh, no clear reason. Or one that is worthy about me rambling here about. Still have my bad days regarding the breakup. It happens. But I did feel ALOT better the other night. I met yet another hot Israeli long haired guy. He is a bartender at a bar that I went to with my friend the other night to watch some live jazz music. My friend and I sat at the bar and I immediately noticed his long hair and 'different look'. He had awesome facial hair and a nose piercing. I was instantly intrigued. So of course, I started to make eye contact and smile. We flirted a bit back and forth, turns out we have a few things in common. My friend started making fun of me saying I found my rebound. I thought to myself: new country, new life, new people. Fuck it. I don't really want a 'rebound' per say, but whatever happens, happens. I guess you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, that you get what you need :)  

You Don't Have To Live Like A Refugee

Title above from 'Refugee' by Tom Petty. Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFnOfpIJL0M&ob=av3e

Mood: Stable
Music: Classic Rock internet radio

So it's official: My roommates and I have agreed on an apartment. Lease signing tomorrow! Great apartment, all new, center of TLV. Pretty fucking sweet.

I love Oz, I really do. I am incredibly grateful to him for taking in this poor little American citizen that immigrated to the Land of Long Haired Israeli Men and Cats based on her idealistic Zionist values, but damn it, I can't wait to get the fuck out of this apartment. It is absolutely filthy, old and decrepit. (Thanks to Steven for reminding me of this awesome word, my new word of the day). It's filthy because of Oz's current roommates. One idiot cooks and leaves food all over the kitchen, including the kitchen sink. Every morning I wake up to a plethora of flies swirling around my face, trying to swerve out of their way so that they don't accidentally fly into my mouth while yawning. (maybe not even so accidentally those sneaky flies). Oz and I share a room because a) there is an extra decent size mattress in his room and b) The living room faces the busiest intersection of the city and I cannot sleep when garbage trucks pretend to pick up garbage on the street at 6am and drunken arsim (Israeli douchebags) yell at the top of their lungs to frechot (Israeli bimbos) wearing mini skirts at 3am. I guess I'm getting old, I don't know.  Oz's blown horn snoring also doesn't help the living situation, so I really CANNOT FUCKING WAIT to move out. I love him to death, but I need my own clean space.

Having said that, it brings me to my concern du jour. For 8 years, I have lived by myself. No roommates, no family. Just me and Tigger. It was the most ideal situation. Now, due to financial constraints, I find myself living with 2 other people- Oz and my good friend Neil :cough cough Sol cough cough: I don't know what its like to live with other people and furthermore, be considerate of their domestic needs and personal situations. I've always been a 'I want what I want and I want it now' kind of a gal, never really caring about how my personal living situation effected other people, because frankly, I didn't need to. Now, the situation has turned 180 degrees, and I need to actually be nice to people I live with, as well as being considerate towards them. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. I suspect I'll face some "challenges" to say the least. I told Oz all about this and asked for his patience and understanding. He said he's cool with it.

Ideally, the most important thing I ask from people I share an abode with it to clean up after yourselves. You want your room to be messy? Fine, I don't care. But do not leave shit all over the common areas such as the living room, bathroom and kitchen. I refuse to be someone's mother. My rule is simple: if you don't clean up after yourself, your garbage will be thrown on your bed. This includes shit that is left in the bathroom. Gross? YES. Harsh? Yes, but fuck it. I'm not your fucking mother. I refuse to live in filth and decrepitness (is that even a word?). I refuse to live like a refugee.

In other news, I visited my family in Rehovot this week. Felt good to sleep in a clean apartment, in a quiet residential neighborhood. It was also a nice distraction from my current state of emotion. I am feeling better bit by bit, but I still have my moments (or days) of negativity. I guess I'm going through the "I hate society and people" phase right now, because I've been very irritable lately and just want to be left alone. Everyone is pissing me off. I suspect I will get better eventually and maybe I will hate the world a little bit less than how much I usually do.

Am I Israeli now? Great. Now what do I do?

That's the first thought that went through my head when I arrived to Israel and got my immigration papers.
So, like, do I find a job now? Do I start yelling at people? (you know, how Israelis usually speak) Do I start shooting at Arabs? Seriously, I had no idea what to do next.

Of course I was excited. I was finally able to do something I have been wanting to do since the age of 22. 7 fucking years in the making. The second I stepped foot in Tel Aviv during Taglit I knew I had to live here.

It was Shabbos.  We had just finished exploring Rabin Square and walked over to the beach. Walking on the beach in 70 degree weather in the end of December, I couldn't have asked for more. People dancing on the boardwalk, beautiful people sunbathing and enjoying life. The spirit of the city was amazing. It was alive. I felt alive. More alive than I have ever felt. Tel Aviv, you had me at mirpeset.

I said to myself: I have to live here someday.

And.....here I am. Living in the center of Tel Aviv. I made (one of my) dreams come true. Don't be confused people. I didn't just drop everything and move to Israel (ok, well yes, I sort of did) but I did do a test run first. I'm not completely crazy.

In August of 2011, I went on a long term 5 month program that allowed me to live in Tel Aviv- acquaint myself with the city, with Israelis, with the culture, etc. Halfway through the program (and after numerous conversations with many people, including my lovely roommate, who I'm sure I drove nuts with all of my questions) I decided this was it: I'm making aliyah. This is the Jewish State and I need to be with my people. Like ACHSHAV.

Funny enough, around the same time I decided to make aliyah, I started seeing someone. An actual Israeli. Born and bred Sabra. And hot as hell. Over the next few months, the relationship began to develop into something beautiful- and unexpected. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to meet someone I would actually (and eventually) fall in love with. Why? Because I was here on an extended 5 month vacation. I was here to have fun and see if Israel is where I wanted to be. But it was a beautiful surprise.

The program ended and I started to go through the aliyah process. I had to fly back to America to tie up loose ends and spend time with my family and friends. One friend I was looking forward to spending time with  was my best friend, Alex. I was extremely happy living in Tel Aviv for 5 months but a piece of me felt empty, and it was Alex that I was missing. Needless to say, I was excited to return to NYC to spend quality time with him and continue the stupid shenanigans we always somehow got ourselves involved in.

The one thing I noticed was the lack of surprise from my friends when I told them I decided to make aliyah. All of my close friends were unmoved. Of course. Anyone who knows me or actually pays attention to what I have to say has already known that this is what I've wanted to, so basically this news was about as new as Lindsey Lohan getting arrested for a DWI. Everyone's reaction: Meh. OK. Have fun! When's your going away party?!?!?. Israeli people reaction to me making aliyah: WHAT?? WHY??? ARE YOU CRAZY???
My good friend in Israel, Oz, who happens to be my knight-in-shining-armor, (and the most amazing man on the planet) still finds it hard to understand how anyone can move to Israel. Oh, you Israelis. Always so humble and completely off of your rockers.

So I get to Israel, get to Oz's house (my place of residence for the next undetermined amount of time) and set up shop. I also make plans to see my boyfriend (who also happens to be returning from a trip) around the same time I came back to Israel. I hadn't seen him for 2 months. I cannot even relay to you how excited I was to finally see him. And see him I did. It was a sweet reunion. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

A few days later, however, he broke up with me. He had to go up to the North for work for the next 6 months and didn't think long distance was a good idea. Of course it wasn't. Who in their right minds has a long distance relationship? Worse idea ever. But it doesn't make it any better. I was completely heartbroken. One week later and I still am. Not feeling any better from the second he left. I suppose time heals all wounds and all that bullshit, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Good news is that I found an apartment that my friends and I want to live in. Sooner or later I suppose I'll have to find a job, but that's too much for me to think about right now. Baby steps. Hakol k'tstat b regel as I like to say.