"He's Just Not That Into You"

I know. It's cliche. Shut up.

A couple of weeks ago I called my dad to tell him about the breakup. I explained to him what happened and how I felt. After hearing the entire story, as well as my state of emotion, my father says: "Well honey, he was obviously not that into you".......PAUSE.

I explode. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? How can you say that to me? How can you downplay my worth like this???" I replied to him.

But he was absolutely right. Back then I was still really upset and extremely irrational, so I didn't even give it a second thought. But there was a reason I called my dad to tell him what happened, and there is a reason I share things with him and ask him for advice. My father has always been very practical and logical. He is always able to think through situations very clearly, never really sugar coating anything or saying anything "just to make me feel better". He thinks less with emotion and more with his brain. His opinions and advice have always been useful, and in most cases, very true.

After many years and many failed "relationships", I have discovered the obvious. Kol Ha'kavod (job well done, congratulations) to me. If a guy (or girl, depending on your sex/sexuality) really does like you and wants to pursue something with you, he (she) will show it and you will know. There shouldn't be any "excuses". Here are some of my favourites that I've collected over the years:

"I love you, you are special to me, but honestly, I can't really commit. I'm a truck driver, so I am always on the road, and I feel bad that I can't be next to you". Later on, this person actually told me why he couldn't have a relationship with me. This one also is added to my best of bullshit list. His "real" reason was this "Sarah, you are heading places. You have goals, you have a good head on your shoulders, you have stuff figured out. I am still lost, I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with myself. You are just too good for me. I don't want to wind up hurting you because I am a piece of shit". Yep, makes total sense.

Another great one (from a different guy) was this: "Sarah, I'm really attracted to you and we have great sex. I'm just not physically attracted enough to you to make you my girlfriend". It should be noted that I was casually seeing this guy for about 2 years. Attracted enough to have great sex for 2 years but not attracted enough to have a relationship. Yep, makes sense.

Then there was this one: "Sarah, I like you. But I just don't think its a good idea to date friends of friends. I am a dark man, and I don't think dating me is a good idea". It should be noted that I still speak to this person, and he continues to flirt with me and ask me for pictures of my boobs.

Then there are the ones that some of my female friends have shared with me. "He says he really likes me and enjoys spending time with me, but he's really busy with (insert any random life event...work, school, band, family, pets, re-painting the bathroom.....etc) right now. I just don't want to pressure him into anything".  

And of course my latest one. I'll remind you if you haven't read any of my earlier posts. "Sarah, we need to break up. I like you and enjoy spending time with you, but I can't really do the long distance thing. Sorry."

At the end of the day, if the person thinks you and your potential future are worth it, they will make the effort. Things can always be worked out if you try and if you communicate properly. However, if the person has chosen to not want to have a special someone, then what I just said is invalid. Wanting to find a partner takes some personal maturity, and not everyone possesses this. And its fine. We all go through different stages in life at different times and we all want different things. But why can't we be honest? With ourselves and with other people. Being honest also means maturity and I suspect that most people in their 20's still haven't reached this level. This is the hardest part about growing up: coming to terms with who you are and what you want.

If you don't like someone, then you don't like someone. No one is putting a gun to your head and saying you have to marry them right now. But tell them. Its simple. "I'm not interested in having a relationship with you". But you also have to follow up the words with actions. Continuing to sleep with the person and calling them at your own convenience is leading them on. Not that there's anything wrong with a casual relationship, but most of the time someone will develop feelings. If it comes to this, then the casual relationship should be stopped. By both people.

Anyway, this post isn't about me spitting out relationship or dating advice, because God knows I am the last person to ever offer advice considering the lovely situations I have involved myself in in the past. But back to what my father said about my most recent relationship. He was right, and I know that now. I realize that if someone likes me, he will make the effort. He will also call, he will also try to make plans, and he will also try to involve me in his life as much as possible. And the same goes with me. All it takes is a little effort and honesty. Sadly, this wasn't the case right now, but I feel fairly confident that with the next guy, I will be able to spot the bullshit from genuine interest. I should also try to stay away from younger men and direct myself more towards guys that are established and know where they are heading and know what they want. But damn it, younger guys flock to me like flies to shit (bad metaphor?) and some of them are uber sexy. Mmmm fresh meat :)