Title above: I Want It All - Queen
Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3ubLOKbx-Y
Mood: Rollercoaster
Music: Variety - Random Hard Rock Internet Radio Station, but frankly it's an AFD (Appetite for Desctruction) kinda day
And it's been about a year since my last posting. Frankly, I had every intention of updating my blog every day (as I'm sure everyone does) but I didn't know how to top all of my wonderful postings from the previous times. Also, I was pretty lazy. But more than that, I couldn't quite figure out how to express myself. Still haven't really, but that's for another day.
On to more important things: I am currently in NYC! Yes dear readers, I have returned back to my birthplace for a one month vacation after over a year of not being here. And shit has definitely not changed. Most friends are still in the same place, family also for the most part. My nephew is a year and a half old and seems to be growing, but has some developmental difficulties. Such a shame, but not shocking. All to be expected considering the circumstances surrounding his birth. And current living situation.
NYC is amazing and I will always feel an intense connection to it; it goes without saying. It's my birthplace and it's my home. But I have a love/hate relationship with it. Hate it because I feel depressed while here; like I'm always pressed for time, like I'm always in a rush, like if I don't do what I have to do tomorrow then it's the end of the world. Also because I have such strong ties here, I feel like I haven't spent enough time with my loved ones (friends and family). And because I rarely come back to NYC, it puts me in a depression that I might have disappointed people and that I haven't done what I wanted to do and spent enough time with the people that count.
There was a reason I left...Idealistic Zionist views aside. I didn't realize it back then, but I left to make something of myself; to be a better person. As much as I love my family and friends, I always felt so much pressure here...probably internalized but still. I needed to be on my own, doing my own thing. I still do. I needed.....space. In Israel, I feel much more free; much more....myself. Though to be fair, it hasn't been peaches and strawberries. I still have't experienced "real Israel", financial struggles and all. I've felt the cultural and language differences. I still can't connect on a language level thereby making me an outsider. Israelis are really proud of their Hebrew and rightfully so; it's how they connect. I still can't hold a real conversation in Hebrew and everyone speaks English with me. But I haven't had a "real job". Sure I worked in a cool rock bar (for virtually pennies); sure I've met amazing people; had tons of fun, met tons of guys, and had an overall amazing experience but at the end of the day it means....NOTHING. Simply because it hasn't enhanced my life in all the ways I wanted it to. Maybe in other important ways such as the social structure and music taste (WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST DISCOVER IRON MAIDEN AHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?) and believe me, the whole music thing is probably the most important aspect of all, but still. Where has my life really gone in one year?
Sure I met an amazing guy, probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I guess that's the one of the amazing things that happened since I made the move but I want more....I want it all. And I want it now. I want to be on a career path, I want to make tons of money, I want to travel the world, I want my own place, I want enough money to do my hobbies, whatever they are. And I want a strong man to stand next to me while we do crazy and fun stuff together. I want to become wise, I want to grow and I want to grow up.
I also want something new...something refreshing. I've realized I can't do redundant shit,. I need constant new things, I need to be excited, I can't be bored. I want to be always be looking forward to things, doing new things and experiencing everything life has to offer. Including music. Discovering new songs or new bands is quite refreshing; even if its old songs from your favourite band that you don't really listen to. Including the one in the aforementioned title :)
Back to the growing up part. I feel like coming back to NYC has stumped my growth. Pushed me back like 5 years. In Israel, I felt like I was more stabilized and more mature and adult like, whatever that means. That probably has alot to do with the current male in my life and his wonderful influences, but still. I think the real part about growing up is not paying attention to bullshit and looking more at the big picture, which I do still struggle with time to time, but on an overall general level, growing up means getting your own life on track, setting up your own roots and focusing on what's best for yourself (and your partner, should you have one or children should you have them as well). All in all, at least in dealing with relationships I've learned that stopping the bullshit and accepting responsibility is a good step in the right direction towards growing up.
Anyway, all in all, Israel is my new home. I am looking forward to all the wonderful things it has yet to offer me. When I come back, I will have a new job, new place to live and a new roommate. A totally new path. All positive things and amazing things to look forward to. Even though I've had some fucked up times here in NYC while trying to put shit in perspective, at the end of the day, there's nothing but positivity when I come home....to Israel :)
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
And another one gone....Another One Bites The Dust!
Title above: Another One Bites The Dust
Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE&ob=av2n
Mood: Tired
Music: Internet Radio - Dance
And just like that- it's done. The roommate and I talked about our "situation". He basically said that it's pointless to discuss what happened. He said that whatever he has to tell me will hurt my feelings, he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't think I will learn or ever change and therefore doesn't want to discuss it. He suggested we start a "new page" and forget about what happened. He said things will never go back to how they were in the past but for the sake of our third roommate and for the sake of house guests we should put on a happy face and move forward. I asked him "but if I do something to piss you off again, or what if you do something to piss me off again? Then what?". He replies, "don't worry, I've changed. You won't piss me off". If you ask me, that's pretty much bullshit because everyone gets pissed off at each other, especially people that live together, but listen if that's what makes him happy, then what can I do? I can't force someone to confront issues and not sweep things under the rug.
That's what's funny. People love to "sweep things" under the rug. But this situation is amusing because he didn't want to make up with me for the sake of our relationship- it was plainly obvious when he said "lets just forget what happened just so we can not make people uncomfortable"; it was so that in other people's eyes it doesn't look like we are having "shalom bayis" (peace in the home) issues. I am assuming this is how he was raised and this is how his family handles things as well. Healthy? Not so much, but to each his own. There are plenty of pretentious families that look perfectly happy but are miserable on the inside. Before my folks got divorced, this is what my mother and father looked like. Perfect little family, a lot of mishigas (craziness) behind closed doors. It's fine, whatever makes people happy. Sometimes they need a little fantasia in their lives to satisfy themselves.
So yes, based on my discussion with him, it is safe to assume the friendship is done. Am I insulted? Eh, a bit but not so much. Why? Because I have gained and lost many friends over the years. I know that people come and go for a reason, the real ones stay and accept you. That's why I am grateful for who I have.
Another reason why I am not as "torn up" as I would have been (or maybe should be) is because last year, a person that I suspected to be a good friend of mine, randomly stopped talking to me and decided to talk shit about me behind my back for months before and after. Her and I were really "close" for a long time, always hanging out together, always talking, laughing, having good times. So when she decided to stop talking to me, I was crushed. I wracked my brain for months trying to figure out what happened, but then another "close" friend of hers told me she did the same thing to him. I decided that it wasn't me- it was definitely her, therefore, no reason to still be hurt.
So basically losing her friendship kind of made me immune to people and supposed "friends". Want to be my friend? Great. You don't want to be my friend anymore? Also, great. After all of the bullshit I've seen between people in my life, I've learned that people will turn their back on you in the blink of an eye, and it's fine. Nothing to take personal, its just who they are. Besides, I have like 4000 other more important things to focus on- like learning Hebrew. Damn it, this language is hard. The masters program that I am interested is all in Hebrew, so it's really important to step my game up and master the holy tongue. Eh, I'm getting there.
Ani medeberet yevrit?
Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE&ob=av2n
Mood: Tired
Music: Internet Radio - Dance
And just like that- it's done. The roommate and I talked about our "situation". He basically said that it's pointless to discuss what happened. He said that whatever he has to tell me will hurt my feelings, he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't think I will learn or ever change and therefore doesn't want to discuss it. He suggested we start a "new page" and forget about what happened. He said things will never go back to how they were in the past but for the sake of our third roommate and for the sake of house guests we should put on a happy face and move forward. I asked him "but if I do something to piss you off again, or what if you do something to piss me off again? Then what?". He replies, "don't worry, I've changed. You won't piss me off". If you ask me, that's pretty much bullshit because everyone gets pissed off at each other, especially people that live together, but listen if that's what makes him happy, then what can I do? I can't force someone to confront issues and not sweep things under the rug.
That's what's funny. People love to "sweep things" under the rug. But this situation is amusing because he didn't want to make up with me for the sake of our relationship- it was plainly obvious when he said "lets just forget what happened just so we can not make people uncomfortable"; it was so that in other people's eyes it doesn't look like we are having "shalom bayis" (peace in the home) issues. I am assuming this is how he was raised and this is how his family handles things as well. Healthy? Not so much, but to each his own. There are plenty of pretentious families that look perfectly happy but are miserable on the inside. Before my folks got divorced, this is what my mother and father looked like. Perfect little family, a lot of mishigas (craziness) behind closed doors. It's fine, whatever makes people happy. Sometimes they need a little fantasia in their lives to satisfy themselves.
So yes, based on my discussion with him, it is safe to assume the friendship is done. Am I insulted? Eh, a bit but not so much. Why? Because I have gained and lost many friends over the years. I know that people come and go for a reason, the real ones stay and accept you. That's why I am grateful for who I have.
Another reason why I am not as "torn up" as I would have been (or maybe should be) is because last year, a person that I suspected to be a good friend of mine, randomly stopped talking to me and decided to talk shit about me behind my back for months before and after. Her and I were really "close" for a long time, always hanging out together, always talking, laughing, having good times. So when she decided to stop talking to me, I was crushed. I wracked my brain for months trying to figure out what happened, but then another "close" friend of hers told me she did the same thing to him. I decided that it wasn't me- it was definitely her, therefore, no reason to still be hurt.
So basically losing her friendship kind of made me immune to people and supposed "friends". Want to be my friend? Great. You don't want to be my friend anymore? Also, great. After all of the bullshit I've seen between people in my life, I've learned that people will turn their back on you in the blink of an eye, and it's fine. Nothing to take personal, its just who they are. Besides, I have like 4000 other more important things to focus on- like learning Hebrew. Damn it, this language is hard. The masters program that I am interested is all in Hebrew, so it's really important to step my game up and master the holy tongue. Eh, I'm getting there.
Ani medeberet yevrit?
Friday, May 25, 2012
I don't need to fight to prove that I'm right. I don't need to be forgiven.
Title above: Baba O'Riley.
Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8_Pf144Qmg&feature=related
Mood: Relieved
Music: The Who - Who's Next
I fucking LOVE LOVE LOVE The Who. Grew up listening to them, they were one of my father's favourite bands, though to be fair I didn't really appreciate their music until I reached my mid 20's. Baba O'Riley (aka Teenage Wasteland) has got to be my favourite Who song, followed closely behind by 'Behind Blue Eyes'. Unfortunately because of Keith Moon's death, the band hasn't been the same. He is known as one of the best drummers of all time, and if you don't believe me, listen to the Who's music. He died in 78 of complications from an alcohol overdose. Music hasn't been the same since. RIP Moon the Loon.
The title of today's blog entry comes from that song and it describes my current domestic situation perfectly. In fact, it describes my view on life in general pretty accurately. My interpretation of this line is pretty simple: It's about knowing WHO you are and what you stand for. Sure, I've pissed people off. Sure, some people hate me. Sure, I've done and said some shitty things. So have YOU. But at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure I'm not all bad and I'm pretty sure I've done some great things for people. I'm pretty sure that as an overall, general person, I'm not awful. I think I've done far more good than I've done "bad". So when a supposed good friend of mine becomes pissed off at me and stops talking to me for reasons unknown (I can only speculate), it effects me, but not in such an earth shattering way. I know that I haven't done something so awful to warrant this type of reaction. I know this person is just pissed off at me for being me. He's said to me in the past that he's not so fond of my strength and independence, so I can only speculate that he is pissed off at me for...well....being me. And I will not apologize for that. True friends accept you for who you are, no apologies are necessary. Thus the phrase above: I don't need to fight this person to prove that I am right, I don't need him (or anyone for that matter) to "forgive" me. My life goes on perfectly without people's "approval".
Granted I'm pretty sure the song isn't about acceptance or forgiveness, in fact, its about how drugs sort of took over in the late 1960's - mainly things Townshend witnessed at Woodstock. But the Who is known for politically charged statements in their music. I think a lot of bands back then were. Fuck, look at Bob Dylan. The great ol' U S of A was a shitshow back then. I have always wished I were alive back then to appreciate the music, culture and people of the 60's and 70's. Instead, now I just listen to the music and put up with being made fun of by my close friends for being "a crazy old cat lady". Glad they've accepted me for who I am and I'm glad they don't feel the need to grant me approval or forgiveness. Believe me, it makes life ALOT easier for them :)
Rock On \m/
Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8_Pf144Qmg&feature=related
Mood: Relieved
Music: The Who - Who's Next
I fucking LOVE LOVE LOVE The Who. Grew up listening to them, they were one of my father's favourite bands, though to be fair I didn't really appreciate their music until I reached my mid 20's. Baba O'Riley (aka Teenage Wasteland) has got to be my favourite Who song, followed closely behind by 'Behind Blue Eyes'. Unfortunately because of Keith Moon's death, the band hasn't been the same. He is known as one of the best drummers of all time, and if you don't believe me, listen to the Who's music. He died in 78 of complications from an alcohol overdose. Music hasn't been the same since. RIP Moon the Loon.
The title of today's blog entry comes from that song and it describes my current domestic situation perfectly. In fact, it describes my view on life in general pretty accurately. My interpretation of this line is pretty simple: It's about knowing WHO you are and what you stand for. Sure, I've pissed people off. Sure, some people hate me. Sure, I've done and said some shitty things. So have YOU. But at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure I'm not all bad and I'm pretty sure I've done some great things for people. I'm pretty sure that as an overall, general person, I'm not awful. I think I've done far more good than I've done "bad". So when a supposed good friend of mine becomes pissed off at me and stops talking to me for reasons unknown (I can only speculate), it effects me, but not in such an earth shattering way. I know that I haven't done something so awful to warrant this type of reaction. I know this person is just pissed off at me for being me. He's said to me in the past that he's not so fond of my strength and independence, so I can only speculate that he is pissed off at me for...well....being me. And I will not apologize for that. True friends accept you for who you are, no apologies are necessary. Thus the phrase above: I don't need to fight this person to prove that I am right, I don't need him (or anyone for that matter) to "forgive" me. My life goes on perfectly without people's "approval".
Granted I'm pretty sure the song isn't about acceptance or forgiveness, in fact, its about how drugs sort of took over in the late 1960's - mainly things Townshend witnessed at Woodstock. But the Who is known for politically charged statements in their music. I think a lot of bands back then were. Fuck, look at Bob Dylan. The great ol' U S of A was a shitshow back then. I have always wished I were alive back then to appreciate the music, culture and people of the 60's and 70's. Instead, now I just listen to the music and put up with being made fun of by my close friends for being "a crazy old cat lady". Glad they've accepted me for who I am and I'm glad they don't feel the need to grant me approval or forgiveness. Believe me, it makes life ALOT easier for them :)
Rock On \m/
Saturday, May 19, 2012
All For One and One For......Who Are You Again?
Mood: Disappointed
Man, I remember how excited I was to come here. I had given up a lot to come here: my own apartment, my friends, my family, I quit my job (albeit I detested it), but I got paid good money. I had a good life. My life, my way.
All of that was given up- why? For some crazy idealistic dream?
Or maybe it was because I was excited to do something new, live in an awesome metropolis, meet new people, share an apartment with great friends and have an amazing boyfriend?
Fast forward 7 weeks: Amazing boyfriend broke up with me and I hate my "amazing" friend.
WTF? When the fuck did this happen? Well we all know what happened with my ex boyfriend, so I won't rehash. But what happened with my friend is really surprising and upsetting. It seems as though as soon as we moved in, something changed. I can't figure out what exactly- was it me or was it him? I'm not sure. After careful evaluation I can say it wasn't me. But maybe it wasn't him either. I think that different sides of people come out during different points in their life. Maybe I was blind or stupid or both to not realize what I was getting into at an earlier point, I don't know. But my roommate became a tyrant. Everything must be done his way and he tries to control everything that goes on in the house. From something small to how the food is laid out in the kitchen cupboards to something big like not wanting to get a new kitchen table and chairs. Why I asked him? He replies, because we already have them...see? He is referring to plastic lawn chairs and a plastic fold out table. This is what he wants to use as a kitchen table. His sister came by last week and even told me "You know, when he's upset HE'S REALLY UPSET, but when he's happy, everything is fine". Great, thanks for that info. So now I have to oblige to his every beckoning demand? Yeah, not on this planet. But it's fine, he can sit on plastic fucking lawn chairs while he watches his 42" inch tv with fancy surround system. Nah, he won't look like a fucking idiot at all.
These things seem small and in reality, they are. But its not these small little things that bother me, it's his overall general personality and approach to people. He always says how he's always the one with the biggest responsibility, always the one doing the most work. I am getting tired of hearing how everything is always about him and how hard he works. As if his roommates haven't worked hard at all and just sat on their asses while whistling fucking dixie. I guess he forgot about how the 2 people he lives with just moved 6,000 miles away from their homes and families. I think he forgot that Neil and I don't speak the language here, which means it would take 3 times as long as to speak with the electricity people or the internet people. I think he must have also forgotten that Neil had to take out a fucking personal loan in order to give the security deposit to the landlord, or else we wouldn't have gotten the apartment. But Oz is the one with the biggest responsibility right? He's the one that went looking for an apartment? He's the one that went to the stores and bought everything, right? Right. In a fucking dreamland. Get off of your high horse.
I think his issue is that he expects everything done in his way, on his own time schedule. I think its difficult to see things from other perspectives when its not done according to what you believe. He always prides himself in making the best decision possible for "the group". I don't remember asking him to make decisions for me. I also think that he too expected certain things. Maybe he made the grand ol' mistake in thinking "maybe she'll change when we move in together". I remember him saying he had a problem with me being so independent and trying to take care of myself. Maybe he thought I would become subservient and docile when we moved in together. Sorry, buddy you are barking up the wrong tree with that one. You obviously don't know me at all.
Anyway, fast forward 2 weeks we've been living here and he has stopped talking to me. I asked him many times, are you ok? Do we need to talk about something? All times he replied No. OK. I can't force anyone to talk. But the funniest thing is before we moved in I remember having numerous conversations with him about how scared I am to live with people, how I never lived with people before, and how the last thing I want is for this to turn into the same thing with his former roommates where he hated all of them. He assured me, it won't. "All we need to do is talk and compromise. Communication is key. We are a family." It's almost as if my intuition knew what was coming. Its funny what they say about listening to yourself.
So here I am, completely disappointed with the entire situation. Almost disappointed that I even moved here. I know I shouldn't judge the entire experience on a few things but it's hard. I compare my life now to my life in New York, and frankly, my NYC life was better. Well, my home life at least. The rest remains to be seen.
I remember him saying to me, "hey why don't you relax a bit and let your guard down. We are friends, you know I will always be there for you. There's no point in being so adamant about taking care of yourself." HA! Where is he now? Oh that's right, not talking to me because I didn't want to go as a group to buy a fucking washing machine.
Folks, no matter what anyone says or does, no matter how many sweet words anyone says to you, remember one thing: at the end of the day, you are always alone. No one will take care of you, unless it is you. And the person that tries to change your view on that is one big fool and should be laughed at. I thank life for teaching me this.
So, let us re-cap what has happened since moving here. The 2 most important relationships to me have been ruined and I live in an apartment full of plastic chairs and tables. Why did I move here again?
Man, I remember how excited I was to come here. I had given up a lot to come here: my own apartment, my friends, my family, I quit my job (albeit I detested it), but I got paid good money. I had a good life. My life, my way.
All of that was given up- why? For some crazy idealistic dream?
Or maybe it was because I was excited to do something new, live in an awesome metropolis, meet new people, share an apartment with great friends and have an amazing boyfriend?
Fast forward 7 weeks: Amazing boyfriend broke up with me and I hate my "amazing" friend.
WTF? When the fuck did this happen? Well we all know what happened with my ex boyfriend, so I won't rehash. But what happened with my friend is really surprising and upsetting. It seems as though as soon as we moved in, something changed. I can't figure out what exactly- was it me or was it him? I'm not sure. After careful evaluation I can say it wasn't me. But maybe it wasn't him either. I think that different sides of people come out during different points in their life. Maybe I was blind or stupid or both to not realize what I was getting into at an earlier point, I don't know. But my roommate became a tyrant. Everything must be done his way and he tries to control everything that goes on in the house. From something small to how the food is laid out in the kitchen cupboards to something big like not wanting to get a new kitchen table and chairs. Why I asked him? He replies, because we already have them...see? He is referring to plastic lawn chairs and a plastic fold out table. This is what he wants to use as a kitchen table. His sister came by last week and even told me "You know, when he's upset HE'S REALLY UPSET, but when he's happy, everything is fine". Great, thanks for that info. So now I have to oblige to his every beckoning demand? Yeah, not on this planet. But it's fine, he can sit on plastic fucking lawn chairs while he watches his 42" inch tv with fancy surround system. Nah, he won't look like a fucking idiot at all.
These things seem small and in reality, they are. But its not these small little things that bother me, it's his overall general personality and approach to people. He always says how he's always the one with the biggest responsibility, always the one doing the most work. I am getting tired of hearing how everything is always about him and how hard he works. As if his roommates haven't worked hard at all and just sat on their asses while whistling fucking dixie. I guess he forgot about how the 2 people he lives with just moved 6,000 miles away from their homes and families. I think he forgot that Neil and I don't speak the language here, which means it would take 3 times as long as to speak with the electricity people or the internet people. I think he must have also forgotten that Neil had to take out a fucking personal loan in order to give the security deposit to the landlord, or else we wouldn't have gotten the apartment. But Oz is the one with the biggest responsibility right? He's the one that went looking for an apartment? He's the one that went to the stores and bought everything, right? Right. In a fucking dreamland. Get off of your high horse.
I think his issue is that he expects everything done in his way, on his own time schedule. I think its difficult to see things from other perspectives when its not done according to what you believe. He always prides himself in making the best decision possible for "the group". I don't remember asking him to make decisions for me. I also think that he too expected certain things. Maybe he made the grand ol' mistake in thinking "maybe she'll change when we move in together". I remember him saying he had a problem with me being so independent and trying to take care of myself. Maybe he thought I would become subservient and docile when we moved in together. Sorry, buddy you are barking up the wrong tree with that one. You obviously don't know me at all.
Anyway, fast forward 2 weeks we've been living here and he has stopped talking to me. I asked him many times, are you ok? Do we need to talk about something? All times he replied No. OK. I can't force anyone to talk. But the funniest thing is before we moved in I remember having numerous conversations with him about how scared I am to live with people, how I never lived with people before, and how the last thing I want is for this to turn into the same thing with his former roommates where he hated all of them. He assured me, it won't. "All we need to do is talk and compromise. Communication is key. We are a family." It's almost as if my intuition knew what was coming. Its funny what they say about listening to yourself.
So here I am, completely disappointed with the entire situation. Almost disappointed that I even moved here. I know I shouldn't judge the entire experience on a few things but it's hard. I compare my life now to my life in New York, and frankly, my NYC life was better. Well, my home life at least. The rest remains to be seen.
I remember him saying to me, "hey why don't you relax a bit and let your guard down. We are friends, you know I will always be there for you. There's no point in being so adamant about taking care of yourself." HA! Where is he now? Oh that's right, not talking to me because I didn't want to go as a group to buy a fucking washing machine.
Folks, no matter what anyone says or does, no matter how many sweet words anyone says to you, remember one thing: at the end of the day, you are always alone. No one will take care of you, unless it is you. And the person that tries to change your view on that is one big fool and should be laughed at. I thank life for teaching me this.
So, let us re-cap what has happened since moving here. The 2 most important relationships to me have been ruined and I live in an apartment full of plastic chairs and tables. Why did I move here again?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Ch-ch-changes. Just gonna have to be a different (wo)man
Title above: Changes - David Bowie aka Ziggy Stardust. Song here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMQ0Ryy01yE&ob=av2e
Mood: Happy :)
Music: Def Leppard
Man, how I love Bowie. Especially his Ziggy Stardust persona. Such a brilliant man.
And....I have finally moved in! The apartment is beautiful and clean. And I enjoy every second of it.
But along with a new apartment and roommates come changes. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, I suspected that I would have to make some internal changes in order to adapt to my current living environment. Living with people is difficult for me. I have lived by myself for most of my adult life, only needing to consider myself in making decisions and in doing certain things. Even small things....like making coffee. I live with friends, not with strangers. And we all want to live with a sense of togetherness. I can totally appreciate that. What does this mean? This means that if I make coffee for myself, I should ask my roommates if they want it too. This concept of "group consideration" is new to me. "What do you mean I should ask you if you'd like some coffee? Can't you fucking make some yourself?! You have arms!" Yeah, this is an example of how NOT to act when living with friends.
And compromise. Compro-what? Yeah, I need to learn what that is also. On Friday, after spending an entire intense day with Neil and Oz from early morning till evening, I had to leave the apartment. I went to Rehovot to my family's house for Shabbos. I needed "me time". It was too much togetherness for me. So when I came back on Saturday afternoon, Neil and Oz decided it was time to clean the floors. Um. Yeah. I wasn't feeling it, so I told them I wasn't in the mood, went into my room and sat there. I know it sounds bitchy, but I wasn't in the mood to clean. I just wanted my own free time, not to be involved with any duties. Good news is that they didn't seem pissed. Bad news is that I guess I'll have to clean next time. Yes, that's what we call compromise. I guess I am learning. Damn it. :shakes fist in the air:
My roommates (friends) are important to me. I don't want to lose them or spoil our relationship. This doesn't mean I will completely devote my life to making them happy, but it does mean I need to let go of the "Tough Girl Sarah" persona I have learned to play so well. One thing living with Oz has taught me is that it's ok to let go. Now it's time to try. Who knows, maybe I'll actually be a different (wo)man, maybe even a better (wo)man. Time may trace me, but I can't trace time. :)
Mood: Happy :)
Music: Def Leppard
Man, how I love Bowie. Especially his Ziggy Stardust persona. Such a brilliant man.
And....I have finally moved in! The apartment is beautiful and clean. And I enjoy every second of it.
But along with a new apartment and roommates come changes. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, I suspected that I would have to make some internal changes in order to adapt to my current living environment. Living with people is difficult for me. I have lived by myself for most of my adult life, only needing to consider myself in making decisions and in doing certain things. Even small things....like making coffee. I live with friends, not with strangers. And we all want to live with a sense of togetherness. I can totally appreciate that. What does this mean? This means that if I make coffee for myself, I should ask my roommates if they want it too. This concept of "group consideration" is new to me. "What do you mean I should ask you if you'd like some coffee? Can't you fucking make some yourself?! You have arms!" Yeah, this is an example of how NOT to act when living with friends.
And compromise. Compro-what? Yeah, I need to learn what that is also. On Friday, after spending an entire intense day with Neil and Oz from early morning till evening, I had to leave the apartment. I went to Rehovot to my family's house for Shabbos. I needed "me time". It was too much togetherness for me. So when I came back on Saturday afternoon, Neil and Oz decided it was time to clean the floors. Um. Yeah. I wasn't feeling it, so I told them I wasn't in the mood, went into my room and sat there. I know it sounds bitchy, but I wasn't in the mood to clean. I just wanted my own free time, not to be involved with any duties. Good news is that they didn't seem pissed. Bad news is that I guess I'll have to clean next time. Yes, that's what we call compromise. I guess I am learning. Damn it. :shakes fist in the air:
My roommates (friends) are important to me. I don't want to lose them or spoil our relationship. This doesn't mean I will completely devote my life to making them happy, but it does mean I need to let go of the "Tough Girl Sarah" persona I have learned to play so well. One thing living with Oz has taught me is that it's ok to let go. Now it's time to try. Who knows, maybe I'll actually be a different (wo)man, maybe even a better (wo)man. Time may trace me, but I can't trace time. :)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
It's A Quarter After One, I'm All Alone And I Hope He Gets Chlamydia
Title above: Need You Now - Lady Antebellum. Song here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OfsZyYPLoI&ob=av2e
Mood: Snarky. Buahahahah
Music: Internet Radio - 90's
Ahh revenge. How sweet it is. Except for when it consumes you and takes over your life. I'm talking extreme cases of course, but even having it at a "medium" level is energy consuming.
Take my breakup for example. I am not ashamed to write about my feelings about it on my blog. It's difficult to talk about it in person, especially with people I am not that close with. Most of the time it comes out in anger and every so often I'll mention something awful that I wish to happen to him. Like yesterday for example. My roommates and I were unpacking from moving. I said to Oz "You know, I hope he fucking catches chlamydia". Oz giggles, as he already knows not to take me seriously. Neil also giggles and says "Yes we know. You've mentioned it 5 times today". Shit. I have haven't I. I say "Ok, fine. But I also wish he fucking gets diarrhea while he's on a date with some slut while far away from home".
They both laugh. Uncomfortably probably, but I don't care. That moment, for whatever reason (and apparently 5 times that day), I was consumed with anger and thoughts of revenge. And it felt good. Obviously I'm still angry and hurt and I'm not sure how long it takes for that to go away. I guess there is no specific time period for the healing process, but fuck, I want this to go away already. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Another great example of revenge is Oz. In order to piss off his ex-roommates, he decides to pack EVERYTHING in the old apartment. Furniture, dishes, even the garbage pales. And the damn Foosball machine. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, the apartment was a decrepit shitshow. But in order to piss off his roommates, he decides to take everything that is rightfully his, including the junk. The furniture is complete drek (shit in Yiddish). I guess he thought to himself "AHAHAHAH I'll show them. I'm going to take all of this and they'll have nothing!". Right Oz, because you're really hurting them by taking broken chairs and scratched up coffee tables. You really showed them by emptying out the apartment of garbage.
And I mean this stuff is junk. All of his friends even said it. They were especially annoyed spending 6 hours moving all of this shit just because of revenge. While we were moving, people on the street were walking by and asking "hey is this junk? You know there's a guy that drives around the neighborhood and picks this up for you". "No", I reply shamefully. "This is our furniture". Not that any of this is really that big of a deal in the long scheme of things, it just creates unnecessary time and energy spent on moving/unpacking. Sigh. The things we do for friends.
Not really sure where I am going with this, I don't think I really have a point except that revenge is an awful feeling. But anger, not so much. Anger is healthy and pretty fucking awesome. If I weren't so angry sometimes, I wouldn't feel alive and so real. Sure, I've cried myself to sleep plenty of times, most recently 3 days ago, but if I weren't so angry, I wouldn't blow steam and feel so empowered. I guess the awful song that I mentioned above (and I mean awful because I cry every time I hear it) is true: "I'd rather hurt than feeling nothing at all". Stupid emotions.
Mood: Snarky. Buahahahah
Music: Internet Radio - 90's
Ahh revenge. How sweet it is. Except for when it consumes you and takes over your life. I'm talking extreme cases of course, but even having it at a "medium" level is energy consuming.
Take my breakup for example. I am not ashamed to write about my feelings about it on my blog. It's difficult to talk about it in person, especially with people I am not that close with. Most of the time it comes out in anger and every so often I'll mention something awful that I wish to happen to him. Like yesterday for example. My roommates and I were unpacking from moving. I said to Oz "You know, I hope he fucking catches chlamydia". Oz giggles, as he already knows not to take me seriously. Neil also giggles and says "Yes we know. You've mentioned it 5 times today". Shit. I have haven't I. I say "Ok, fine. But I also wish he fucking gets diarrhea while he's on a date with some slut while far away from home".
They both laugh. Uncomfortably probably, but I don't care. That moment, for whatever reason (and apparently 5 times that day), I was consumed with anger and thoughts of revenge. And it felt good. Obviously I'm still angry and hurt and I'm not sure how long it takes for that to go away. I guess there is no specific time period for the healing process, but fuck, I want this to go away already. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Another great example of revenge is Oz. In order to piss off his ex-roommates, he decides to pack EVERYTHING in the old apartment. Furniture, dishes, even the garbage pales. And the damn Foosball machine. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, the apartment was a decrepit shitshow. But in order to piss off his roommates, he decides to take everything that is rightfully his, including the junk. The furniture is complete drek (shit in Yiddish). I guess he thought to himself "AHAHAHAH I'll show them. I'm going to take all of this and they'll have nothing!". Right Oz, because you're really hurting them by taking broken chairs and scratched up coffee tables. You really showed them by emptying out the apartment of garbage.
And I mean this stuff is junk. All of his friends even said it. They were especially annoyed spending 6 hours moving all of this shit just because of revenge. While we were moving, people on the street were walking by and asking "hey is this junk? You know there's a guy that drives around the neighborhood and picks this up for you". "No", I reply shamefully. "This is our furniture". Not that any of this is really that big of a deal in the long scheme of things, it just creates unnecessary time and energy spent on moving/unpacking. Sigh. The things we do for friends.
Not really sure where I am going with this, I don't think I really have a point except that revenge is an awful feeling. But anger, not so much. Anger is healthy and pretty fucking awesome. If I weren't so angry sometimes, I wouldn't feel alive and so real. Sure, I've cried myself to sleep plenty of times, most recently 3 days ago, but if I weren't so angry, I wouldn't blow steam and feel so empowered. I guess the awful song that I mentioned above (and I mean awful because I cry every time I hear it) is true: "I'd rather hurt than feeling nothing at all". Stupid emotions.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
I've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All
Title above: Big Balls - AC/DC. Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W-fIn2QZgg
Mood: Getting excited
Music: Internet Radio - Old School Hip Hop
Tomorrow is moving day! FINALLY!
But getting to this day wasn't so simple you see? Everything in Israel is difficult. Trying to accomplish things on a daily basis always has some complications. Going to the bank. Calling the internet company to transfer services to a new apartment. Registering for electricity. All of these regular mundane tasks you would think can be done quickly and simply. But NO. Not in Israel.
I think that living in Israel toughens one up. Makes you grow some balls, if you will. Yes, although I do get frustrated and complain about things here, I think at the end of the day I grow more of an appreciation of what I get and how I got it. I feel more aware of my surroundings and what it takes to live here successfully. Not to say I was ever a pussy (except for maybe in the sharing emotions department), but I feel more comfortable opening my mouth and saying something rude to someone so that I can get through to them. It's just a part of the culture here. You don't get customer service with a smile here, there is no sucking up to make the customer happy. Here, you are told how it is, and sometimes you are told "no" just because. Having 'big balls' is an essential part of living here. You have to fight for what you want and not take "LO" for an answer.
See you Americans are spoiled. Things in America are pretty simple to deal with, including the mundane tasks I mentioned above. Life is simpler for the most part. Smiles, greetings, fakeness. It's the American culture. It's one thing I cannot fucking stand, but that's neither here nor there. This post isn't about me complaining. About America nor Israel. This post is more about appreciating the aspects of a struggle and a challenge. And it's about how happy I am that my character is growing and becoming stronger (I think). Though if you ask Lana and Jon, they'll probably say I've become crazier since I've moved here. Now that I think of it, they always say the older I get the crazier I become.
Anyway, with frustrations come wonderful things. No place is ever perfect. Offsetting horrible customer service is an overall sense of warmth from most people. People here are always willing to help you with anything they can. People here will start conversations with you out of nowhere and offer you advice on something they see you are struggling with. They will always try point you in the right direction. To me, this warmth of culture outweighs other negativity and it is something that doesn't deter me or make me regret my decision. Also, let's not forget that Israeli guys are yummy. Also, not such a bad reason for staying :)
Mood: Getting excited
Music: Internet Radio - Old School Hip Hop
Tomorrow is moving day! FINALLY!
But getting to this day wasn't so simple you see? Everything in Israel is difficult. Trying to accomplish things on a daily basis always has some complications. Going to the bank. Calling the internet company to transfer services to a new apartment. Registering for electricity. All of these regular mundane tasks you would think can be done quickly and simply. But NO. Not in Israel.
I think that living in Israel toughens one up. Makes you grow some balls, if you will. Yes, although I do get frustrated and complain about things here, I think at the end of the day I grow more of an appreciation of what I get and how I got it. I feel more aware of my surroundings and what it takes to live here successfully. Not to say I was ever a pussy (except for maybe in the sharing emotions department), but I feel more comfortable opening my mouth and saying something rude to someone so that I can get through to them. It's just a part of the culture here. You don't get customer service with a smile here, there is no sucking up to make the customer happy. Here, you are told how it is, and sometimes you are told "no" just because. Having 'big balls' is an essential part of living here. You have to fight for what you want and not take "LO" for an answer.
See you Americans are spoiled. Things in America are pretty simple to deal with, including the mundane tasks I mentioned above. Life is simpler for the most part. Smiles, greetings, fakeness. It's the American culture. It's one thing I cannot fucking stand, but that's neither here nor there. This post isn't about me complaining. About America nor Israel. This post is more about appreciating the aspects of a struggle and a challenge. And it's about how happy I am that my character is growing and becoming stronger (I think). Though if you ask Lana and Jon, they'll probably say I've become crazier since I've moved here. Now that I think of it, they always say the older I get the crazier I become.
Anyway, with frustrations come wonderful things. No place is ever perfect. Offsetting horrible customer service is an overall sense of warmth from most people. People here are always willing to help you with anything they can. People here will start conversations with you out of nowhere and offer you advice on something they see you are struggling with. They will always try point you in the right direction. To me, this warmth of culture outweighs other negativity and it is something that doesn't deter me or make me regret my decision. Also, let's not forget that Israeli guys are yummy. Also, not such a bad reason for staying :)
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