Mood: Disappointed
Man, I remember how excited I was to come here. I had given up a lot to come here: my own apartment, my friends, my family, I quit my job (albeit I detested it), but I got paid good money. I had a good life. My life, my way.
All of that was given up- why? For some crazy idealistic dream?
Or maybe it was because I was excited to do something new, live in an awesome metropolis, meet new people, share an apartment with great friends and have an amazing boyfriend?
Fast forward 7 weeks: Amazing boyfriend broke up with me and I hate my "amazing" friend.
WTF? When the fuck did this happen? Well we all know what happened with my ex boyfriend, so I won't rehash. But what happened with my friend is really surprising and upsetting. It seems as though as soon as we moved in, something changed. I can't figure out what exactly- was it me or was it him? I'm not sure. After careful evaluation I can say it wasn't me. But maybe it wasn't him either. I think that different sides of people come out during different points in their life. Maybe I was blind or stupid or both to not realize what I was getting into at an earlier point, I don't know. But my roommate became a tyrant. Everything must be done his way and he tries to control everything that goes on in the house. From something small to how the food is laid out in the kitchen cupboards to something big like not wanting to get a new kitchen table and chairs. Why I asked him? He replies, because we already have them...see? He is referring to plastic lawn chairs and a plastic fold out table. This is what he wants to use as a kitchen table. His sister came by last week and even told me "You know, when he's upset HE'S REALLY UPSET, but when he's happy, everything is fine". Great, thanks for that info. So now I have to oblige to his every beckoning demand? Yeah, not on this planet. But it's fine, he can sit on plastic fucking lawn chairs while he watches his 42" inch tv with fancy surround system. Nah, he won't look like a fucking idiot at all.
These things seem small and in reality, they are. But its not these small little things that bother me, it's his overall general personality and approach to people. He always says how he's always the one with the biggest responsibility, always the one doing the most work. I am getting tired of hearing how everything is always about him and how hard he works. As if his roommates haven't worked hard at all and just sat on their asses while whistling fucking dixie. I guess he forgot about how the 2 people he lives with just moved 6,000 miles away from their homes and families. I think he forgot that Neil and I don't speak the language here, which means it would take 3 times as long as to speak with the electricity people or the internet people. I think he must have also forgotten that Neil had to take out a fucking personal loan in order to give the security deposit to the landlord, or else we wouldn't have gotten the apartment. But Oz is the one with the biggest responsibility right? He's the one that went looking for an apartment? He's the one that went to the stores and bought everything, right? Right. In a fucking dreamland. Get off of your high horse.
I think his issue is that he expects everything done in his way, on his own time schedule. I think its difficult to see things from other perspectives when its not done according to what you believe. He always prides himself in making the best decision possible for "the group". I don't remember asking him to make decisions for me. I also think that he too expected certain things. Maybe he made the grand ol' mistake in thinking "maybe she'll change when we move in together". I remember him saying he had a problem with me being so independent and trying to take care of myself. Maybe he thought I would become subservient and docile when we moved in together. Sorry, buddy you are barking up the wrong tree with that one. You obviously don't know me at all.
Anyway, fast forward 2 weeks we've been living here and he has stopped talking to me. I asked him many times, are you ok? Do we need to talk about something? All times he replied No. OK. I can't force anyone to talk. But the funniest thing is before we moved in I remember having numerous conversations with him about how scared I am to live with people, how I never lived with people before, and how the last thing I want is for this to turn into the same thing with his former roommates where he hated all of them. He assured me, it won't. "All we need to do is talk and compromise. Communication is key. We are a family." It's almost as if my intuition knew what was coming. Its funny what they say about listening to yourself.
So here I am, completely disappointed with the entire situation. Almost disappointed that I even moved here. I know I shouldn't judge the entire experience on a few things but it's hard. I compare my life now to my life in New York, and frankly, my NYC life was better. Well, my home life at least. The rest remains to be seen.
I remember him saying to me, "hey why don't you relax a bit and let your guard down. We are friends, you know I will always be there for you. There's no point in being so adamant about taking care of yourself." HA! Where is he now? Oh that's right, not talking to me because I didn't want to go as a group to buy a fucking washing machine.
Folks, no matter what anyone says or does, no matter how many sweet words anyone says to you, remember one thing: at the end of the day, you are always alone. No one will take care of you, unless it is you. And the person that tries to change your view on that is one big fool and should be laughed at. I thank life for teaching me this.
So, let us re-cap what has happened since moving here. The 2 most important relationships to me have been ruined and I live in an apartment full of plastic chairs and tables. Why did I move here again?
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