I want it all.....and I want it NOW!

Title above: I Want It All - Queen
Song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3ubLOKbx-Y

Mood: Rollercoaster
Music: Variety - Random Hard Rock Internet Radio Station, but frankly it's an AFD (Appetite for Desctruction) kinda day

And it's been about a year since my last posting. Frankly, I had every intention of updating my blog every day (as I'm sure everyone does) but I didn't know how to top all of my wonderful postings from the previous times. Also, I was pretty lazy. But more than that, I couldn't quite figure out how to express myself. Still haven't really, but that's for another day.

On to more important things: I am currently in NYC! Yes dear readers, I have returned back to my birthplace for a one month vacation after over a year of not being here. And shit has definitely not changed. Most friends are still in the same place, family also for the most part. My nephew is a year and a half old and seems to be growing, but has some developmental difficulties. Such a shame, but not shocking. All to be expected considering the circumstances surrounding his birth. And current living situation.

NYC is amazing and I will always feel an intense connection to it; it goes without saying. It's my birthplace and it's my home. But I have a love/hate relationship with it. Hate it because I feel depressed while here; like I'm always pressed for time, like I'm always in a rush, like if I don't do what I have to do tomorrow then it's the end of the world. Also because I have such strong ties here, I feel like I haven't spent enough time with my loved ones (friends and family). And because I rarely come back to NYC, it puts me in a depression that I might have disappointed people and that I haven't done what I wanted to do and spent enough time with the people that count.

There was a reason I left...Idealistic Zionist views aside. I didn't realize it back then, but I left to make something of myself; to be a better person. As much as I love my family and friends, I always felt so much pressure here...probably internalized but still. I needed to be on my own, doing my own thing. I still do. I needed.....space. In Israel, I feel much more free; much more....myself. Though to be fair, it hasn't been peaches and strawberries. I still have't experienced "real Israel", financial struggles and all. I've felt the cultural and language differences. I still can't connect on a language level thereby making me an outsider. Israelis are really proud of their Hebrew and rightfully so; it's how they connect. I still can't hold a real conversation in Hebrew and everyone speaks English with me. But I haven't had a "real job". Sure I worked in a cool rock bar (for virtually pennies); sure I've met amazing people; had tons of fun, met tons of guys, and had an overall amazing experience but at the end of the day it means....NOTHING. Simply because it hasn't enhanced my life in all the ways I wanted it to. Maybe in other important ways such as the social structure and music taste (WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST DISCOVER IRON MAIDEN AHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?) and believe me, the whole music thing is probably the most important aspect of all, but still. Where has my life really gone in one year?

Sure I met an amazing guy, probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I guess that's the one of the amazing things that happened since I made the move but I want more....I want it all. And I want it now. I want to be on a career path, I want to make tons of money, I want to travel the world, I want my own place, I want enough money to do my hobbies, whatever they are. And I want a strong man to stand next to me while we do crazy and fun stuff together. I want to become wise, I want to grow and I want to grow up.

I also want something new...something refreshing. I've realized I can't do redundant shit,. I need constant new things, I need to be excited, I can't be bored. I want to be always be looking forward to things, doing new things and experiencing everything life has to offer. Including music. Discovering new songs or new bands is quite refreshing; even if its old songs from your favourite band that you don't really listen to. Including the one in the aforementioned title :)

Back to the growing up part. I feel like coming back to NYC has stumped my growth. Pushed me back like 5 years. In Israel, I felt like I was more stabilized and more mature and adult like, whatever that means. That probably has alot to do with the current male in my life and his wonderful influences, but still. I think the real part about growing up is not paying attention to bullshit and looking more at the big picture, which I do still struggle with time to time, but on an overall general level, growing up means getting your own life on track, setting up your own roots and focusing on what's best for yourself (and your partner, should you have one or children should you have them as well). All in all, at least in dealing with relationships I've learned that stopping the bullshit and accepting responsibility is a good step in the right direction towards growing up.

Anyway, all in all, Israel is my new home. I am looking forward to all the wonderful things it has yet to offer me. When I come back, I will have a new job, new place to live and a new roommate. A totally new path. All positive things and amazing things to look forward to. Even though I've had some fucked up times here in NYC while trying to put shit in perspective, at the end of the day, there's nothing but positivity when I come home....to Israel :)